in·san·i·ty | B.E (HIATUS)

9- Billie

"No, I haven't. The medicine seems to be working fine" Billie cleared her throat and shifted in her seat. Visits to the psychiatrist were always uncomfortable.

"Good, good. Nothing as of right now? Not even small ones?"

"I honestly-" Billie exhaled through her nose "It doesn't matter. It's fine the way it is. If you up my dosage I'll be a walking zombie. I can hear, think, and see just fine on the medicine I'm on now. Is that not enough?"

"I'm just making sure you aren't having any delusions." He leaned forward, pressing his hands together as if he were praying "I'm not here to hurt you, okay?"

Here he goes with the baby talk.

"Please just send me back to my room." She closed her eyes, white clouding her vision instead of it's normal black. Maybe it was her recently discovered anemia that was causing her to be so dizzy, or even her recently adjusted medication. Whatever it was made Billie feel like she was slowly dying. Sort of like falling into a bottomless pit. Constantly and endlessly falling.

"Alright, you may go. Remember to give me a call if you-"

His voice was cut off by the sound of the door slamming behind her. Freedom at last.

"Are you ready to go back to your room?" A nurse asked, her smile dripping with pity.

Sometimes Billie forgets she's in a psych ward. Freedom is short lived when you're considered bat-shit insane.

She made sure not to say anything, just nod and follow whomever she was supposed to. It was a way of life here. She had already cried and cursed and complained to her brother for sending her here in the first place, and after a while he just stopped listening.

I love you. It's for your own good.

Bullshit. It was all bullshit. He couldn't handle seeing her talking to herself anymore. He hated the way she was. Probably. She didn't know that for sure, but that's what it felt like. She was sick of being handed off from person to person, place to place. Not one goddamn person in this entire world would give her the time of day and stick with her no matter what besides-

She'd rather not think of her name. It was one that was hard to swallow. The girl she fell in love with was no saint either. Wild and carefree and so much trouble, constantly getting Billie into shit she had no business doing. Their separation had been a gift from whatever God there was.

Back in her room, she sat alone with her journal once again. It served her almost no purpose anymore. The journal was the medicine she had seemed to outgrow. Her head didn't spin as fast, she wasn't as desperate to be heard. Each passing day made it harder and harder to put thoughts to paper. She found herself staring at a blank page most of the time with nothing more to say.

Taking a deep breath, she wrote the first thing that came to mind.

Sometimes I wish I had died.

No, that was too risky. They did room checks here, and if anyone read that line she'd be here for even longer.

Sometimes I wish I had someone else to talk to.

Not a therapist or a psychiatrist or any kind of -ist that gets paid to listen to me. Someone who'd sit and listen for free, without any obligation.

Someone who has the choice to walk away but chooses not to.

Today I lived a thousand lives, and tomorrow I will wake up and sigh. No matter who I speak to they all tell me everything will be alright.

It doesn't feel alright.

She closed the journal so hard it made  her desk shake. She was so tired. Everything felt the exact same as it had when she was sixteen, but the very thing that drove her to insanity was gone. It made her feel so incredibly empty.

"Hey! Riley wait!" Billie sped through the streets trying to keep up with her girlfriend. Billie hated when Riley asked to ride with her. It always felt like a competition.

"I'm not even going that fast! Come on!" Riley stopped her bike and gave Billie a look. "You always say i'm going too fast. Shall we walk the bikes instead? Is it really so hard to keep up?"

"You're going to get me hit by a car. I can't keep the wheel straight when i'm going that fast. It makes me anxious."

Riley's shoulders dropped "Everything makes you anxious. We can never- nevermind. Come." She got off her bike and held onto the handlebars, waiting.

"We can never what?" Billie glared "You're halfway down the fucking street in three seconds, how am I supposed to keep up with you?"

Riley was never good at hiding her emotions. Her annoyance was written all over her face. "You....Pedal..." She widened her eyes, and Billie felt like she was being made fun of.

"Would it kill you to just slow down?"

"Yes. A bike only works because you're moving. If i'm going slow, I can't balance."

"And i can't balance if i'm going too fast!"

"So next time just stay home, alright? I'll walk with you for now, but we aren't doing this shit again."

"My anxiety is shit to you?"

"I mean, it's always something. I don't have what you have, I don't understand why you can't just-"

"Can't what? Be normal?"

Riley blinked, but stood silent.

Billie hugged her knees to her chest and squeezed her eyes shut. What a bitch that girl was.

She didn't quite understand why she didn't put her foot down with Riley sooner. There were several instances where the girl who should've been the most understanding seemed to be her biggest enemy.

She wondered if Riley had moved on by now. Riley was insanely beautiful, charismatic, and kind. She made friends everywhere she went. Billie's heart hurt at the thought of her moving on, but she knew it would be for the better. Riley deserved normal.

It was up and down, every single day. It had been years, but she never forgot what it felt like to be loved so selflessly. Never forgot what it felt like to wake up in the arms of somebody she loved.

Oh, how badly she wanted to be loved again.

Sometimes it was hard to admit she would never love anyone the way she loved Riley. She tried to disguise it as hatred, she tried to focus on all the negatives, but it was always no use. There was no point in denying that she was the one billie would love forever, even though that girl was an absolute bitch sometimes.

Billie spent most of her days locked up in her room, gazing out the window at the vast nothingness that was the state of connecticut. She refused to leave for group time or whatever child-friendly activities they had planned for that day. She was miserable here, and she honestly would rather take her own life than sit and color her feelings. This was supposed to be an adult ward, but the way she gets treated you'd think she was six years old.

Today she will stare outside of her window and think of Riley.
She doesn't have the strength to do anything else.