save myself - lashton

save myself

tw // suicide.

dear ashton,

it's been 5 years since i last kissed you goodnight, afi.

to be honest, i sometimes wish i was never yours and you were never mine.

at least then neither of us would have to suffer from a broken heart, right?

and i wouldn't be here with a bottle of pills in my hand, ending it all.

if i had the chance, i would take it back.
jumping off your sinking ship instead of going down with it.

now that you're finally good, i'm just mad.
how is it fair that you are happy now? and i can't even look at myself in the mirror without wanting to gauge my eyes out?
i'm over being so mature,
if only i was never yours, oh.

i know everything worked out the way it's meant to be, but now i realise i could've saved myself time and lots of money, i could've saved myself from
you.

so this is me letting go.

i hate you, i love you.
when i reach heaven or hell,
wherever god sends me,
my love for you will be eternal.

i will watch over you with pride in my heart,
and i mean that.

i can't cope with being so alone,
having such a lonely heart.

all i ask is that you think of me high when i'm gone,
not crying because i left,
but smiling because we loved each other once.

when i see you again, wherever it may be,
i hope you will find it in your heart to forgive me.
everything i did, i did it for you.

i'm just so fucking sorry.

i feel like i'm falling, even though i'm fine.
i'm happy, you know?
that this life is going to be over.

i can't find it in myself to stay, or to hold on any longer.

i wonder what would happen if this was you instead of me. would the ghost of you follow me around?
watch over me until we could be reunited?
or would you haunt me?
that'd be kinda funny, you know?
having you play all poltergeist with me.

so finally.
this is me saving myself from a lifetime of guilt.
i don't want to be here anymore, and i hope you understand that.

i'll love you for eternity, my love.
i never meant to break your heart,
but i hope that one day,
a person better than me will fix it.

forever and always,
lrh.