Sweet as Chocolate

Chapter 16

As we are back at Hogwarts's gates, we jump off our broomsticks. Remus seems to be in some kind of rush, but I grab Remus's arm to stop him from walking. He looks up at me, and then at my arm.

"What?" He almost spits at me. I know it's the moon, that does this to him, so I let it slide. "Please, be careful, Remus." I say, and look up at the moon. He turns to face it too, and looks back at me. "How..." He starts, but trails off. "I know the signs." I just say. He nods, and bows his head in shame. I put a hand on his cheek, and turn his face, so I can look at him. "Don't ever be ashamed of yourself." I tell him, and lock my eyes in his. "I can be there with you, when it happens, if you want?" I ask him, and I see terror shoot in his eyes. "No! No." He says, shaking his head, backing away from me. "I can't control it. And, I can't live with myself if I hurt you." He rubs his forehead, anxious. "Please, stay safe, away from me." He breathes. "I'm a monster." He mumbles, and turns away from me. "No, you are a magical creature." I correct him. A weak smile creeps on his lips, as he remembers what I said about the creatures.

"Then, let me help you." I say, remembering my father brewing Wolfsbane potions to our local werewolves to help them stay in their human mind, while transforming to wolves on the full moon. It's helpful for both the wolf itself, because they will remember everything about themselves, and everyone around the wolf will be safe.

"I must go, I've got some brewing to do." I tell him, and run into Hogwarts.

As I look through my notes in my dorm room, I hear Jenn and Alec walk inside. "Oh hey, guys." I smile and wave them over. They look surprised at me, and sit down next to me on the floor.

"Are you alright?" Alec says, stroking my shoulder. I nod, and smile at them:
"Yes, I just needed some time alone to think." They hug me both, and tell me they've been thinking of me a lot through the last days. "Really, I am okay. And I promise I'll make it up to you soon. Maybe we can go to Diagon Alley on Friday?" I ask them, and they nod in agreement.

I grab the receipt between a bunch of old paper rolls, and hold it up. "Aha!" I smile excited. "I must go now, I have detention and homework." I tell them, and rise up, going down to the basement. I knock on Severus' door, and tell him, I'll be in the potion class, brewing. He looks almost proud, and excited about it, and joins me in the room. He hasn't really said much about my absence the last few days, but I guess he's just giving me space.

I put the paper down on the table and start finding the ingredients.

"Wolfsbane Potion?" Severus asks curiously. I just nod. "It's an extremely advanced potion to make, Ellie." He says, watching my movements carefully. I nod, and stay focused on the stirring of the ingredients. "I know, isn't it exciting?" I smile wicked, and look cheerful up at him. He shakes his head, and sits down on the desk in the classroom. I start humming and swaying around a bit, while brewing, and Sev just snorts at me every now and then.

"Can I talk to you, while you brew?" He says, and I look up from the cauldron. I nod, and continue preparing more ingredients.

"I've lost a dear friend of mine as well, so I recognize some of the feelings you're going through with Margot now. But you seem alright now, all of a sudden. How did you cope?" He asks quietly. I throw some ingredients in the cauldron, and watch it sink into the dark fluids, and disappear from the surface. I look back up at him, and he waits for me to say something. "I'm really sorry to hear that you've lost someone too." I start, and he nods. The potion must stir at a low warmth for 15 minutes anyways, so I go closer to Severus. I stand in front of his dangling legs at the desk, taking his hands in mine. I look at them, and stroke them lightly. "I remember things and experiences with Margot, and think about how she would be pissed if she saw me mourning in this condition." I snort and feel my eyes tear up in the thought of her. But I'm also lying very badly. Yes, I do these things. But first I almost murder myself more than one time, maybe approximately 3-4 times, in case I miss the target. My head is playing sarcastic games, but it's true. I don't really cope, until I've tried to kill myself first. I clear my throat, and brush away the thoughts of my self destruction.

"I miss her, every day. But I'd rather be thinking of the good things we did together, instead of dwelling with stuff I cannot do anything about anyways." I tell him, and look up at him, taking deep breaths, to hold back the lurking tears. And in my mind, all I can hear is "Liar." I look up and blink, till my eyes go back to normal again. "And some of the coping is a self treatment." I smile wryly, and think of my fall. "For example when I fall from the sky, to get my adrenaline to kick in and restart my body and feelings. That helps a lot. But only do such things, if you're certain you can "save yourself." You are basically playing with life and death." I say, and I realize now, maybe Remus was right. Maybe I am reckless.

Severus nods, and opens his mouth to say something, but closes it again. I lean in for a kiss. He takes the invitation, and puts his arms around me, holding me tight as our lips collide. I really needed that. I should just have started out with kissing him.