Tiger (Brian&Leah, 2)

UNSENT LETTERS TO KITTEN

One

I think they lied, Kitten. Love isn't sweet and pleasant. It hits you hard, like Jack on an empty stomach or chain-smoking when you've never done it before. You wonder what that shit is and whether you'll survive it and still be yourself. That's me now.

Diego says writing things down clears your head and puts everything into perspective. I feel weird. It's worse than the essays in my Lit class, except I'm not writing about fuckups of fictional dudes. I'd rather do that than dig into my mind. That place is depressing as fuck. Don't go there.

Who am I kidding? You've never left it, not once since you scrunched up your cute little nose at me, sitting on the windowsill of your room and giving me the attitude.

I'd give anything to turn back time. I would've been much nicer to you.

Two

I've never worked so much in my life, Kitten. Alec is less of an ass; perhaps it's because he sees how drained I am.

I finish a task only to discover there's another one waiting, and then one more.

Being swamped isn't entirely bad, though. It distracted me while Mac was in a coma, but I worry a bit less now that I know he's awake and getting help. I hope he and Annie can get over the accident and be happy.

I've always admired those two for being each other's rocks. My family has always supported me, but it's not the same. I would feel weird as shit letting my mom take care of me like she did when I was a kid, but when I had a headache, and you caressed my hair as I put my head on your lap, I could've burst with happiness like a helium balloon.

If only I'd been less of an idiot to realize I loved you sooner.

Three

This is weird, but I've been spying on Alec. Nothing creepy, Kitten, just watching him fix people.

It's way more thrilling than any movie. I can't tear my eyes away.

The guy never hesitates. He sees blood and bones and all the not-so-pretty shit we hide inside and acts fast, confident, and chill as fuck.

You know what's funny? He saves lives, but doesn't make a big deal out of it. People thank him; he nods, smiles, and then moves on to the next patient.

I wonder what it's like to feel useful. I try to work harder, but it's like something is missing, and I can't figure out what it is.

Four

I miss you. When I fall asleep on my crappy mattress, I wish you were next to me. I would cuddle you and listen to you telling me about your day.

We need to spend more time together as a couple. We need to make another bucket list and cross every single item off it.

We still have some things uncrossed on the one we wrote. I didn't forget about making love on the beach, Kitten. You would love the beaches here. This place is like a piece of paradise.

Well, it would be if you were with me.

Five

If you still want to talk to me, I will give you my journal so you can read about the earthquake and all the shit that went down since the earth shook.

Today it happened again. This time, I wasn't so lucky. I injured my leg, and Alec had to stitch me.

I didn't look away from the wound. If I want to be a doctor one day, I have to get used to seeing blood.

I will most definitely have a scar, but it doesn't bother me. I will be able to say I got it from an earthquake. It's way better than getting one from doing stupid shit.