-|my reality|- rika kawai fan fic

not here anymore

Ever sense then, Chiemi hasn't came back. I mean I did tell her to go, but I at least thought she would have shown up at least one more time. Did she find someone else to please with money? Or is she just going on with her life? Sometimes I wonder, should I have said that to her. She was overall a nice girl. I just, didn't want to be friends with her. And that's okay right? It's okay to not want to be friends with a fan right? But I know body shaming a fan isn't. Why did I say that to her? I mean how would I like that if I was her? I wouldn't have liked that at all, now I feel horrible. I want to apologize but I don't know where to find her.

*In coming phone call*
"Hello?"
"Hey yes hello, is this Rika Kawai?"
"yes hi, who's calling?"
"This is Chiemis mom, do you have time to talk"
I thought to myself "how did this woman get my number, kinda creepy"
"yes I have time to talk"
-after the call-

I put my phone down aggressively on the night stand next to my bed. "she's... dead?" Chiemis mother got my phone number from my groups record label company manager. She told me that Chiemi was dealing with a eating disorder called anorexia because she had been starving herself because she wanted to lose weight and "be skinny and the ideal type." I thought about what I have said to Chiemi at the meet and great and my stomach dropped. Was that the reason Chiemi stopped eating? Was I the cause of this girls life ending? Her mom told me that Chiemi didn't want help. Chiemis parents came home from work one day when Chiemi didn't have school. Her mother said that when she got home, that chiemi was dead lying in her bed with blood coming down her arm.
Did my words cause this? Of course they did. Why would you ever say that to someone. That's terrible. Especially if they are a fan of ours. They probably take that to heart. Were my words responsible for Chiemis suicide?
My stomach dropped. It made be think about when I had eating problems on my own.
"I- I hate this feeling.. ah"
This feeling of overload gilt and sadness came over me. I couldn't stop blaming myself for this.

2 weeks go by

It's been 2 weeks sense Chiemis suicide. Her mother had sent me and my mom a innovation to her funeral. Her mother said that Chiemi looked up to me and was a huge fan of mine that she would want me to be there.
I didn't want my mom to come though. Me and my mom don't have a very good relationship. She's owns a bar that we live upstairs in. She's always with other guys like every other week. One time she was dating 5 guys at the same time, and one of them got her pregnant with me. She doesn't know which one. So I don't know who my father is. Did i say she was an alcoholic too? The whole thing is just chaos, so I never talk to her about my feelings, or anything really. I am usually never home because of her, I'd rather go out by myself then be at home with her.