-|my reality|- rika kawai fan fic

ceiling fan

-tigger warning-
self harm.

"Ugh I hate this feeling, why won't it ago away?" I sighed to myself. I was just laying down in my bed late at night. Overthinking. Why do I do this to myself? Why? I get it, we all have problems, but why do I ruin my skin? I mean feeling alive again, knowing that I am still here feels great. Seeing the blood fills my satisfaction. But is it worth it? I hate this. Not knowing if I am going to make it till the next day. Staring, just staring at the ceiling, wanting to cry but you can't. The rush of nerves down my body making me feel a chill. I feel emptiness inside my head. Is this becauseI hate myself? Is this because there are days I scream and cry before my showers? I need to know. I have always felt I have caused people pain. My mom always says "Your the problem, You make me so stressed, Why do you do this to me?"
I am sorry mom, but what am I doing wrong? What's causing you this pain. Please. Please tell me.
I caused  Chiemi pain. My words were a reason she took her life. I even hurt myself physically and mentally. I want to go somewhere, where I don't cause pain to anyone. Dead? Not here? Take me there please.
My mine is telling me to get the blade. Blade. Blade. Blade. This isn't a nicotine addiction. It's a "copying skill" I call it. I got up out of my bed slowly, and made my way to the bathroom. I grabbed the blade and held it in my hands.
Where? Do I do it? Is it worth it? Do it Rika do it. It's okay it will make you feel better.
"I am sorry Chiemi" I said softly to my self as i brought the blade to my arm. Slowly moving it down. Asking myself where and when to stop. I feel the blade piercing the layers of my skin. Red slowly coming out of the trail of the cuts.
Relieved. I felt relieved. I fell back into my wall and slowly fell to the ground with my head resting on my knees. The blood still came, dripping, and I let it continue. I wanted to keep bleeding. I got a little lightheaded due to the loss of blood. I felt my face get red , I was blushing. I was happy. So so happy. I didn't want this feeling to end.