-|my reality|- rika kawai fan fic

confusion

I am still trying to figure out why I feel the happiest when I harm myself.
All it does is ruin my skin.

I have always been insecure about myself, especially with the girls at school. If your not tall, skinny, and have blonde hair . None of the boys like you. That's why I dyed my hair blonde so
people would notice me, that's why my eye brows are brown. Looks are important for some reason at my school. I am not sure why they matter. Why does it matter if I have acne on my face, or If I don't? It's annoying.
I have always been insecure, especially because I was In a Junior pop group. We had to "look a certain way". I have always wanted to be someone I am not. Life would just be better and easier. I would leave my whole life behind If i could be someone else.
I envy girls at my
school to the point where if my boyfriend has them added on something I make him block them. I am a very jealous person, i'll admit it. I just hate myself and wish I
could be someone else. Not me.

Chiemis death has been weighting on my a lot lately. I feel super guilty for her suicide. I wish I could ask her why she did it, but I cant. Why did Chiemi have to pass? Why couldn't it be someone older? Or a criminal? Or even me?
I feel like Chiemi had a lot to tell the world, I think she would have a great story to tell. But we will never know because she's not here to tell it.
My mom had been blaming Chiemis death on me. I mean she's not fully wrong. I didn't know my words could hurt someone that bad.

"How does it feel being responsible for Chiemis passing Rika?"

I don't know mom.
All i know is that it makes me feel like
i am slowly drowning in warm water trying not to cry, or scream. But how can we blame me if Chiemi never told us why she did it. We all have guesses yes. But no one is 100% right. Only Chiemi knows that. Sometimes I wonder, what if we where friends? What if i became friends with Chiemi? But no I am to selfish to be friends with a fan or someone who looked like her.

-authors note
Thank you guys for almost 90 reads!!!
If you guys could comment some ideas for the story that would be great so I know what y'all would like to see, thank you :)
-
kirari-san <3