Minutes Before Midnight

#MBM05

#MBM05

"So kumusta ka na, Ids?" tanong ni Toni sa akin as soon as I sat down at the table we chose near the windows.

Tahimik lang ako habang pababa ng building kanina. It was so awkward that I wanted to run into my room, curl up into a ball and hide.

Toni was one of the people I can share comfortable silences with before but it's a whole different ball game this time around. Ngayon, pilit ko pang iniiwas ang tingin sa kaniya.

The world is round, that's for sure. Change is the only thing that's constant.

Nang makarating kami kanina sa cafe sa baba ng building nila ay nagtalo pa kami kung sino ang magbabayad. Kahit dati pa naman ay ganito rin ang lagi naming pinag-aawayan.

Ayaw kong magpalibre at gano'n din siya. Ayaw din naming magpatalo sa isa't isa kaya ayan, parang aso't pusa kami dati.

I gently stirred the flat white I ordered while staring at the pecan pie that looked like it was begging me to eat it. Nag-crave ako nito last week and gusto ko na rin talagang kainin kaso, kinakausap pa ako ni Toni. May oras din 'to sa'kin mamaya!

"Like I said earlier, I'm doing fine, Toni," sabat ko sa kaniya. "Ikaw? How's your internship so far?"

The corners of Toni's lips rose to form a small smirk. "Maayos din naman ako. Incoming senior year na sa law school kaya may internship na for exposure."

Napailing ako dahil naalala kong tumatanda na kami. Oo, kahit hindi pa ako mid-20s ay feeling ko sobrang tanda ko na. "Ugh, adulting! But at least your studies are almost over, then bar na lang, and finally law practice!"

"It's not as straightforward as that naman eh. Matagal-tagal pa rin naman bago ako makapag-practice as a lawyer, kung papalarin," sagot niya. "Ikaw? How's you being a writer going?"

Toni's dark almond-shaped eyes latched onto mine. Hindi gaanong mahaba ang buhok niya, at saktong naka middle part kaya may "no nonsense" aura siyang binibigay. Napansin kong naka-arko rin ang kaniyang kilay na may pilat.

That question made me speechless. I had so many things to rant about in my head. So many things I wish to let out but I couldn't find the proper outlet to do it. I don't really share my concerns with my family and friends because I didn't want to be a bother to them.

As much as possible, I keep it all to myself. Madaldal ako kapag kasama sila, yes, or anyone I'm close with for the matter but no one can really get into my innermost thoughts.

The barely well-kept Ida is a facade. A scam, just like my identity.

Who am I anyway?

But enough of that. Lumipad na naman tuloy ang isipan ko sa kung saan-saan. Simpleng sagot lang naman ang hinihingi, ino-overthink ko na.

"Nothing's easy naman but I'm floating by," I replied truthfully. "Gahol lagi sa oras, but who isn't really?"

Toni's gaze was still fixated on me. Parang may gusto siyang sabihin pero nag-aalinlangan kung dapat ba niyang ituloy. "I still think you'd make a good lawyer, Ids. A lot of lawyers are writers, you know. You can still pursue your passion while having another career. Isa pa, you took Political Science because you initially wanted to become a lawyer, right?"

That's it. Toni already opened up the topic I've been trying to avoid.

I've long moved on from the cause of our breakup. We didn't see eye to eye. Nothing unusual since a lot of couples experience the same thing. However, as much as I think I'm okay, despite the occasional bitter feelings, I didn't want to talk about it again especially when I'm struggling with the profession I chose now.