Curwen Oneshots

Letters To The Lost

(Modern Day, They're Not Spies)

Content Warning: S*ic*de

~

     Owen,
     It's been a year and I'm still so sorry. I should have done something. I should have helped, or could have tried, at least. I wish you were still here today. I miss you. So much.
     Tatiana and Barb have finally admitted how they feel for each other and started dating. I'm sure they'd never have realised if it hadn't been for you. You always saw through their denial.
     I told mom about us. Maybe some would say it's not as important now, but I disagree. Just because you're gone, that doesn't mean those I love knowing how I felt and still feel about you is any less important. She was really supportive.
     I finally read Dorian Gray. It was amazing. I'm sorry for all the shit I gave you for loving it so much. I understand now.
     If only there was a way for me to really say this to you instead of just writing it in a letter.
     I love you more than I can put into words, Owen Carvour. ~Curt

     Curt read the letter out at Owen's grave, hoping that nobody would hear if he came at night. His voice was choked and he could feel wind blowing against the tears on his face, but he kept going.
When he was done, he dried his eyes and placed a single red rose atop the lightly aged stone. Moonlight lay on the it, the patches where it was still damp from the rain earlier in the day glistening.
     Just as he was about to walk away, he collapsed in a mess of tears. He lightly brushed the stone with his fingertips and whispered "I love you" before rolling up the letter, grabbing a pebble to weigh it down and standing up to leave.

***

     Owen,
It's been two years since I last saw you. I still get lonely when I picture your smile, every time I hear your laugh. I wish I could see you. Even just to tell you in person that I love you one last time.
     Tatiana and Barb have moved in together. They seem really happy and still say that if it hadn't been for you they might not be.
     I got a new job. Now I'm the head chef at a restaurant. I really enjoy it, but it can be stressful at times. I hope, wherever you are, you're happy.
     I love you so much, Owen Carvour. ~Curt

     This time, he brought a bouquet of purple hyacinths. He lay them in front of the grave then rolled up the letter, weighed it down with a pebble, and walked back to the car where Tatiana was waiting for him.

***

     Owen,
     I never thought three years could pass so incredibly slowly. Every hour feels endless. Every day gets harder. It appears the phrase "time heals" isn't as true as some like to say. All I want, still, is to see you. Or to hear your voice. Even just for a second.
     Tatiana proposed to Barb. They're getting married in a few months. I'm going to be Tati's best man. It hurts so much to know that we'll never be able to do that. But you'll be in my heart forever.
     I've been asked out a couple of times, but I've always had to decline. I can't feel for anyone what I felt for you. I don't think I could open up to anyone the way you got me to do. At least if I don't give myself to anyone I don't risk another heartbreak. That could only ever be worth it for you.
     I love you so much, Owen. ~Curt

     He laid the letter down, the same as usual, and placed flowers in front of the stone. His eyes traced the inscription:

    Owen Carvour, 1990 - 2021

     Curt really hated his family for doing that.
     Owen had never been particularly close with his parents but they still got to choose what his gravestone said over Curt, his boyfriend of three years whom he loved. Who loved him.
     It wasn't fair.

***

     Owen,
     Things have started to get a bit easier. These four years have still been hard. I still feel sick every time I think of that day. The way I found you in the bathroom. But I've learned how to deal with my feelings slightly better. I've even had a few days where I've really felt good. It's been strange, but I really think things are starting to get slightly better. They'll never be how they were, but maybe I just need to find a new way to be happy.
     Tatiana and Barb are married now. Their wedding was one of those good days. I cried my way through their vows, which would have been embarrassing had it not been a pretty small ceremony. Just their family and a handful of close friends. You'd probably have made a snarky remark about how few people there were but, deep down, known how perfect it was for them.
     I've been on a couple of dates now. I really hope you understand, I have to try to live somehow. There haven't been any seconds, but I'm proud of myself for trying. (Tatiana forced me to write that). I'm also proud of myself for getting another head chef job at an even fancier restaurant. (Barb forced me to write that).
     I love you so much. ~Curt

     He still noticed how beautiful the moonlight was as he rolled the letter up and placed the flowers. He felt a sense of guilt as he rolled up the letter, but knew that Owen wouldn't have wanted him to. The grass felt uncomfortably familiar under his feet as he walked away.
     He cried less this time.

***

     Owen,
     I've spent five years without you and I still don't understand why you did it. I knew you were having a hard time, but I never realised just how bad things were. Were you good at hiding it or was I bad at noticing signs? I wish you were here to answer me.
     Tatiana and Barb just adopted their baby girl, Jenna. She's adorable and the two of them make such good parents. I've babysat a few times. It was challenging but I enjoyed it. You'd have made such a good dad.
     I have a boyfriend now. His name is James. It's only been going on five months, but I think I really like him. This is the first time since you that I've felt this way. I really hope you understand and know that this changes nothing about the way I feel for you. I will never forget you.
     I love you, Owen. ~Curt

     He fell into James's arms after placing the pebble on the letter and the flowers on the grass.
     He hardly cried at all this time.

***

     Owen,
     It's been a while. It only feels like minutes since I lost you, even though it's been 25 years.
     Jenna is an adult now, she has a partner of her own. Tatiana and Barb are still happy, and they have three cats now. Their names are Oliver, Nicole and Serena. Typical Barb, giving her cats human names. But each name is perfect. I can't explain it, they just are.
     James and I have been happy. As happy as I can be. But it's been weighing on me. The guilt is too much. I hate that I can never fully be his. I can't do this anymore. I'll see you soon, Owen.
     I love you so much. ~Curt

     He got into his car alone and drove home, before checking that James was fast asleep. Then he turned on the tap in the bathroom.

***

     Another letter. But it had been twenty years since this had happened.
Owen woke up to see a rolled up piece of paper with a pebble on top of it on his dresser. Cautiously, he picked it up, placing the stone in a box with five others and the five tear-stained letters that he kept hidden in his sock drawer. He sat on the edge of his bed and heard Curt's voice speaking the words.
He had missed this. He could re-listen to the other letters to hear Curt's voice but it just wasn't the same. His voice changed each year. This time more than ever since it had been so much longer. He was especially thankful to Curt for reading the letter out this time, since the writing was so much messier.
     Owen broke down crying as he listened to his ex-lover talking to him. He agreed it didn't feel like 25 years. He was happy to hear about Tatiana and Barb, and their daughter and cats. He was happy to hear about Curt and James.
Until he heard the ending.
     Frantically, he folded the letter and put it into the wooden box, before running to the next room. He had to stop this. But he didn't know how. Maybe whoever was next door would.
     The door creaked as it opened and what - or rather who - was on the other side made Owen fall to his knees.
     "Owen?" The voice was tearful and so familiar.
     "No- You- You can't be here."
     The man cautiously walked closer, "It's really you."