The moment Craig said yes to my favor, I thanked him and slept early. Hindi din naman ako nahirapan dahil ilang oras akong nakaupo at naghihintay sakanya.
Nagising ako nang wala na si Craig sa tabi ko. I don't usually complain kasi minsan ganyan talaga siya pero I saw something unusual. A letter.
I slowly reached the letter and read what it's there. My lips immediately smiled, nothing changed. Baliw pa rin ako sakanya. I wonder if something can make me give up for him.
Dear Haven,
Believe me, I am really sorry about what happened last night. I hope you'll forgive me. I agreed to your favor even if it scares the shit out of me, and just like what you've said, no guards. I am trusting you and I hope you'll come at my office for lunch. Let's have lunch together just like before. You love me, right? Cause I love you too.
-Craig
I was expecting that he'll explain why he is late at kung bakit wala siya dito ngayon pero wala. I sighed before heading to the bathroom.
I wore a simple white cotton long sleeves at pinatungan iyon ng blue strapped dress. I am bot this conservative before pero madalas na akong lamigin. Minsan pa nga pinagpapawisan ako kahit malamig pa man.
I arrived at the hospital around 10 am, I hope I can make it to Craig's company for lunch. I am thankful na so far, wala naman akong nararamdamam na nakasunod sakin unlike before. Craig is true to his word.
I made my way to the receptionist and asked for Dra. Dione's presence and the nurse said na pwede akong pumasok sa office niya kasi available siya. I don't have to ask for her room since kabisado ko na ang ospital na to.
Everything felt nostalgic. Two years ago, when I can't everything that my relationship with Craig is giving me, I had an anxiety attack. He didn't know, I didn't let him know. I go to my doctor secretly kasi gusto ko agad gumaling. Para sakanya. Para sa aming dalawa.
Ryan always keeps on reminding me that Craig is mentally ill. The truth is, I know. There are times when he is being manipulative and he'll use my insecurities against me. He'll exploit me. I am pretty much aware of that, but I really love him.
That's why the moment I figured out that I have an anxiety, I decided to heal myself with the help of my doctor. Hindi ko kailan man binuksan ang topic ng ganitong sakit kay Craig.
If he doesn't want to be healed, then ako nalang. I will heal myself and try to heal him in the process too. I thought I will be able to do that pero pagkatapos ng dalawang taon, bumalik na naman ang anxiety ko.
I opened Dra. Dione's room kaya napatingin siya. She immediately smiled when she saw me. She's a psychiatrist.
I was with her the whole time before at minsan na nga akong napagkamalan ni Craig na nagtataksil kasi palagi akong wala. She's like a sister to me. I like being with her kasi in a span of three months, gumaling agad ako. Nakarecover agad ako.
"What took you here, Airthm? Any good news?" She asked while offering her hand to take a seat. I smiled.
"Actually Doc, bumabalik na naman siya." Pansin ko ang pananahimik niya matapos kong sabihin ang tunay na dahilan kung bakit ako nandito.
"Is he hurting you, Airthm? I told you a long time ago, you two should part--"
"I know may iba pa pong paraan, Doc. Please, I don't want to leave Craig in this state."
"Airthm," she called me and held one of my hand with both of her hands. "I really admire how you love Craig noon pa mam, pero hija, you can't just change someone if that someone doesn't want to change. Ikaw nalang mapapagod." Napayuko ako.
"I bet even now hindi niya alam ang condition mo. Hija, kung magpapatuloy ito, this will cause a great impact to you and your mental health. Please be strong enough to leave him and heal."
"Anxiety can't kill me, right, Doc?"
"Yes, even though panic attacks hurts like a heart attack, it will not cause you to die. However, panic attacks are serious and need to be treated immediately or it will cause you to break down the moment your body can't take all the pain anymore."
Napayuko ako habang naglalakad papunta sa office kung saan nagtratrabaho si Craig. I can't still brush off what my Doctor said to me.
"I know you're already aware of this but I have to remind you, Airthm. Anxiety increases your breathing and heart rate, concentrating blood flow from your brain where you need it. I will tell you the signs of a bad anxiety and you tell me kung nararamdaman mo sila, okay?" I nodded.
"Are you feeling any of the following? If you are, then I really suggest you to consult other psychiatrist if I am not enough to convince you, Airthm.
*Feeling nervous, restless, or tense
*Always panicking
*Having an intense heart rate
*Breathing rapidly (hyperventilating)
*Sweating (especially if you are cold)
*Trembling
*Feeling weak or tired
"Airthm, both Craig and you are a walking disaster so please."
Hindi ko alam na nakarating na pala ako sa harap mismo ng office ni Craig dahil sa pag iisip ng kung ano ano. I looked at the reception table but I can't find Ginny, although her things are here.
It's very unusual. The whole floor was quiet to. I sighed before slowly opening Craig door. Muntik na akong natumba nung nakita ko na naman ang babae niya. What the fuck? I held my head when it started to hurt. Please not now.
