no going back | nathan mackinnon

0.9

Y/N didn't think that she deserved to be happy, she was stuck in a corridor of negativity. Every time she began to move past one thought of pain, another of guilt was ready to take it's place and the cycle continued.

"Sweetheart?" There was a knock at the door, for the last three days Y/N had been locked away in her room, she refused to see Nathan, she refused to see her parents and only ever came out at night when they were gone.

Her mom had been leaving food outside of her room, only ever finding the dirty dishes in the morning when she woke up. In all honesty, Y/N's parent's were scared. They had never seen her so broken and hurt before.

"Nathan is here to see you darling." Susan tried to jiggle the doorknob but it was no use, Y/N wouldn't open up.

Glancing at Nathan, Susan felt her heart ache. The two of them were in a terrible shape. "Can I have a few minutes?" Nate asked lowly, he knew that he couldn't open up to Y/N with her mother standing by and watching.

"Of course." Susan patted him on the shoulder before leaving them be, finding her way downstairs.

NY/N had never felt so low in life. Even when she broke her ankle, those first few weeks of frustration and depression were nothing compared to how she felt now. It felt like there was an eternal shovel being dug into the ground, burying her deeper and deeper every day.

It was so easy for her to push the blame onto Nathan and find excuses as to why their friendship fell apart the first time, but the second she had to take ownership for what had happened, that was the second she broke down.

All those walls she had spent the last few years building, pretending that she had done the right thing, acting as though it was bound to happen had fallen down within the blink of an eye. What followed after was the most painful thing she had ever experienced.

ate took a deep breath and pressed his back to the bedroom door, sliding down until he hit the floor, he bent one of his legs upright and rested his arm against it while the other was straight in front of him. "I know you're scared..." he began.

"I know that you're in there and you're scared of what's going to happen when you come out..." he gulped, trying not to get too emotional. "But I need you to know, whatever happens, I'm always gonna love you... you're always gonna be my best friend." he promised.

Biting his lip, he tried to think of what to say next. "I've been thinking of coming back ever since the day I left for colorado, I know that I should have been there for you- After everything you did for me, that was the least you deserved..." he sighed.

"I'm not going to sit here and tell you that it wasn't your fault, because I think it was both of our faults... you should have been honest with me, but I should have made a bigger effort into being there- I should have known you well enough to know that you werent okay." he took responsibility for his mistakes and hoped that she would too.

When he was met by more silence, he couldn't help but tear up. His voice became choked and he looked down at the ground. "I don't deserve your love Y/N- I know that... But I want it... I'm selfish, you know that better than anyone, I'm awkward and I don't know a lot about life, but I know that my life is better with you in it." He took a deep breath.

"And because you're my best friend, I know that you never meant to hurt me... You purposefully hurt yourself to try and give me my best chance... which is what im doing now. My life may be better with you in it- But I can see that all I've done is ruin yours..." he let out a sad laugh as tears free flowed down his cheeks.

"I'm leaving for Colorado tonight... I won't bother you anymore... I promise."

Y/N's back was against the door, her sleeve covering her face as she tried to keep herself from making a sound- as she heard the echo of Nate's footsteps head down the stairs, she started sobbing into her sleeve, her face was a mess of tears, snot and slobber.

She was a terrible sight as she poured out every single emotion of guilt, pain and heartbreak into the material of her sweatshirt. She hated herself, she hated everything she had done.

This all started with her pushing Nathan away, and maybe this time she had done it for good.