Down by the Trees

Purity

A young man should be pious, well-mannered and pure of sinful behavior. He should honor his father and his mother, and value God over everything else. He should follow the words of the Bible. He should pray. He should remain clean of sin.

And if he to sin, he shall kneel and pray to God for forgiveness. He shall ask to be cleansed of his filthy thoughts or actions.

And if he lives a life that God intends, that God has planned and approves of, that follows in the footsteps of his father, that steers clear of temptation and evil, then he shall go to heaven.

But if he turn his back to God and embrace his wicked desires, then he shall face the consequences that God has planned for him.

"What a load of bullshit."

Travis had always been told that God loved him. That Jesus died for his sins. Yet, if man dare to lie with man, or if he have premarital sex, or if he tell a fib, or if he miss church, then God damns him to Hell.

What happened to "Jesus died on the cross for our sins"? Did that not show that sins were forgiven?

The whole concept of God and sin was confusing for Travis Phelps. He did not understand how some things were sinful, but he did not question it. He acted as if he knew how it worked, but in reality, he was only doing what he was told. He was always taught to be a great Christian, but what all did that imply?

He simply did as he was told and did not talk back. After all, it was a sin to disrespect his father.

Travis knelt on the floor by his bed, his fingers fiddling with the cross attached to his necklace. A Bible lay open in front of him. The boy scanned over the thin page time after time, his focus predominantly on one line. A line which he had always followed and always believed.

But he was beginning to slip away from it. It was not intentional; he would never choose to disobey the teachings of God. However, as time went on, as each day passed, he found his skin being ripped away from the bone. His brain and heart were beginning to peek through the torn flesh and show themselves to the world. Travis had to desperately try and stitch them up and hide them once more.

For if anyone were to discover his secrets, he knew that he would be labeled a sinner.

"Or do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God."

The verse made him uneasy. He had never had a problem with it before. He had always just listened to it without thinking about what it meant. But now he was nearing nineteen, and his whole world was changing.

"You're becoming a man now, Travis," his father had said after church one morning. "It's time you meet a woman and settle down with her. Make me a proud grandfather and raise your children to be strong, disciplined and God-fearing."

"But why does it have to be a woman?"

Travis would never dare to say this out loud, especially to his father, and he denied it himself that it was a thought that crossed his mind. He would shove it far down in the drawer and cover it with knit sweaters and cardigans so that no one would be able to find it from just looking at the surface.

But he knew his father. The man would not stop searching at the surface. He would fling the sweaters out and let them fall to the floor. He would search in, around, below, and above the drawer. He was determined to pull out what was buried at the bottom of the dresser.

"Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name; thy kingdom come; thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread; and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us; and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil."

And with muttering those words, muffled under his breath, Travis closed the Bible and set it aside. He rose from his knees and headed for his bathroom.

Before he could even shut the door, he was greeted with the sickly image in the mirror. Himself.

Travis was a very handsome young man to many. You would be surprised how many girls swooned over him as he walked through the halls or when he stood with his father during church.

But to himself, Travis was disgraceful.

Shrugging it off, he walked past the mirror and turned on the shower.

He could finally relax and be alone with his thoughts. He could unwind and forget about how sinful he was.

The warm water felt good on his skin. More than good; heavenly. He ran his fingers through his wet hair and let the shower splash his face.

He reached over to grab the soap.

He paused.

It was blue. Bright blue. Blue like the ocean or like the sky. But most importantly, blue like the hair of him.

"Fuck, I'm not a sinner!" he screamed in his mind. "I don't like him like that! I would never. He's a boy, and I'm a boy. It would be wrong."

The image of him, the certain blue-haired boy he thought of, was growing clearer in his mind. The mystery of him. How he never showed his face. How his hair bounced. How long his fingers were. The little things. They were beginning to consume Travis's mind and eat at his heart.

But he was not a sinner.

Travis Phelps was a God-fearing man, clean of sin and pure of temptation. He would never turn his back to God or even his own father.

He simply did as the Bible said and asked no questions.

And that was it. That was how he lived; in a world of paper dolls. They were only motile with the guide of their creater. They would crumble and tare and stain so easily without his help. And they were all the same. Sure they had different physical characteristics, but their minds were all the same. They all believed the same concepts and looked down upon those who did not: the dolls cut from a different page.

But what if Travis was cut from another page? What if he was not the God-fearing, pious, pure boy that he tried to be?

What if he was cut from a stained and crumpled sheet of notebook paper found at the bottom of a trash bin?

To put or simply, what if he was a sinner?