Standing in the doorway, I could feel my knees grow weak as I watched everyone creep past me, all through blurred vision and a black veil.
"I'm so sorry for your loss." Those words had become so mundane.
I'm sorry. What did that even mean? Sorry for what? Sorry for losing someone so important? Sorry that I had to start all over again? Sorry that I was all alone? Sorry that I didn't know where to go from there? What the hell did they mean when they said, "sorry"?
I didn't know and at the time, I almost didn't care, because I was too busy feeling sorry for myself.
"You should eat something." She was so young- way too young to have to worry about me, eating... It wasn't fair.
"Yeah, there are sandwiches." I can't even remember who said that, because I couldn't even see through all my tears.
"I didn't even get the chance to tell him how sorry I was after our argument last weekend." I knew that I couldn't turn back the clock, but I wanted to... I wanted to tell him how bad I felt.
"He knows, okay?" Wrapping her arm around my shoulders, she led me through the house, around all the guests and into the dining room, where a million flowers immediately greeted us.
I had been getting arrangements, casseroles and cards sent to me all week... It was so overwhelming, I wasn't sure what to do with all of them.
I remember sinking down into the dining room chair, trying hard to block out everything and everyone. But my mind was just racing- I had so much to do and I didn't even know where to begin.
"Remind me to cancel his car insurance," I mumbled, eyes glued on the crack that had once formed on the hard wood floor... "I have to call his cousins in Arizona, and I signed up for this couples thing that-"
"We will take care of it." My sister- in- law was sitting right across from me, eyes weak and voice gentle.
Nodding my head, I leaned back into the chair, glancing around the room. There were so many memories, everything in that house was a memory from there on out. It felt like everything was in the past. There were family pictures hanging on each wall, our wedding book sitting on the China cabinet and everything he had ever loved was just sitting there, collecting dust and waiting for him to come back for it, but he never would.
"Don't worry about a thing." My mother had been there all week and it felt like all she did was just repeated those words.
Don't worry... I couldn't stop worrying.
"Here, mom." Collins set a plate down in front of me, kissing the top of my head before she trailed through the crowd to shake hands and give hugs.
Looking down at the Turkey sandwich, my stomach started to churn. I couldn't eat, I hadn't even really thought about it in the days leading up to that moment.
"Tell everyone how thankful I am for them showing up today." Pushing myself out of the chair, I can still remember how numb my legs felt.
I wanted to collapse. I thought I would never feel normal again... There was just no way.
"I'm going to bed." I mumbled, slipping out of my heels as I headed through the kitchen.
They all had something to say, of course they did, but my attention was drawn to the bottle of Jack Daniels on the edge of the counter and my bedroom was desperately calling my name.
~
"Mom?" Her voice caused me to jolt from a deep, drunken sleep.
My headed was pounding as I sat up in the sheets, staring around the room, hoping it was just a bad dream... It wasn't - his side of our bed was still untouched.
"Yes?" My voice was raspy- raspier than normal from a long night of crying.
She crept into the bedroom, a heavy sigh escaping her once our eyes met. She was still in her pajamas- long brown curls twisted into a sloppy bun and glasses perched on the bridge of her nose. "We're all downstairs, having breakfast and we'd love for you to join us." Collins looked exhausted and I'm sure she was.
She had done so much since his passing... everything, really. She helped call the cater, pick out the pictures, call his friends, send in his obituary.... Looking back I feel like I should have done more, but I didn't know how.
My hand went out, running the pads of my fingers up and down the empty side of the bed. "I don't wanna get up." I felt like I couldn't move my lower body, or maybe I just didn't want to.
I could feel her sit down on the very edge of the bed, a loud sigh filling the sad air around us. "You're going to make it through this." Her voice was so soft- she wanted me to believe that so badly.
"It's so hard." I whined, bringing his pillow in closer to lay my head on it.
Rubbing my leg through the comforter, Collins fell back on the bed. "I know, but one day, I promise, this will just be a memory too."
