I didn't get out of bed at all that day, nor the next... or even the day after that. I just wanted to sleep, I felt like I could have just slept forever. I remember thinking about how safe that bed was- if I didn't leave the room, I wouldn't have had to look at the flowers, and the pictures, and the memories we shared in that house.
It had become my safety net- a web I had weaved to keep myself from feeling any more pain. I liked it there, with the curtains pulled close and the darkness from the room welcoming the darkness I was feeling.
It had been so long since I had lived a life without him... I didn't know where to go from there. I didn't remember how to be single, and I definitely didn't know how to parent children all by myself.
I had always had him there and suddenly, in the blink of an eye, I was throw to the wolves, or so that's how it seemed.
It might sound selfish, but it just didn't seem fair. We deserved more time together. After all, most people live longer than fifty... We still had time, yet it was cut so short.
But finally, four days after the funeral, without much of warning to anyone else in the house, I slipped out of bed, jumped in the shower and put on a different matching pajama set. I couldn't lay around forever- I had people that needed me and I needed them just as much.
Pulling open the bedroom door felt like a chore and just to add to the strenuous task, I let out a really heavy sigh.
It seemed like I could remember every single moment that had ever transpired in our home. I could recall the night we picked out the runners for the hallway and the morning we fought over which color we would paint the bedrooms... He liked blue and I thought just a normal cream would be fine.
He was everywhere I looked and it hurt so much.
I tried hard to push it to the very back of my mind, just long enough for everyone to know that I was going to be okay... It didn't seem like it then, but deep down, I knew that one day, I would feel normal again.
It was a Saturday morning, and my house was still flowing with people... He was loved, but they weren't there for him anymore- they were there for me and my children.
It was hectic in the kitchen, everyone was talking over each other and the sound of the morning news was blaring... I could hardly hear myself think, which probably wasn't the worst thing in the world.
But when attention was drawn towards me, I swear I could have heard a pin drop, that's how quiet the room got. I knew they were stunned, not just by the fact that I had gotten out of bed, but probably also at how bad I looked.
I think it was my brother that had made the joke a couple of days earlier that I was carrying bigger bags under my eyes than I did when I traveled.... So sweet, I know.
"Good morning, mom." Maci was sitting at the bar, a glass of Orange juice in one hand and a bagel in the other.
I glanced around the room at my closest friends and family- looking back, I couldn't even tell you who was all there... Those days, for the most part, just seemed to blur together.
"Morning." I didn't think it was good, so I didn't say it... It was a bad morning, actually. Every morning without him seemed just stupid, in all honesty.
"I made French toast." Collins had this smile on her face- it was sad but she was trying so hard for me.
Nodding my head, I tried to do the same... I tried to be strong. "It smells good." I forced my lips to turn up, just to make sure she knew that her efforts weren't going unnoticed.
"Come sit down with us, Stevie." My mother trailed through the room, setting her cup of coffee down on the table before she slid into a chair.
It was like everyone had scattered to the living room once I had appeared- it was just my girls, my mother and I left in the room.
I bit down on the inside of my cheek hard as I wrapped my silk robe around myself a little tighter. "Are you girls doing anything exciting today?" I asked as I slipped into an empty seat at the bar.
Collins handed me a cup of coffee, a gentle nod following her actions. "Maci and I are actually going to the movies in like...." She looked back at the clock on the stove for the time. "Well, he should be here any minute." Her words caused my stomach to twist into knots.
"That sounds like fun." I knew that I wasn't going to be of any entertainment... I was happy that he could be.
"You should tag along?" She had this softness in her voice- it almost sounded like she was begging for me to get out of the house.
But I couldn't. I didn't want to.
Shaking my head, my eyes fell to the counter top. "I'm cleaning out his closet today." I had decided, that morning that I needed to move things around.
I thought it would make me feel better.
"Hello?" His voice rang through the house as he slipped into the foyer. "Anyone awake?" He joked, which caused both of my girls to giggle.
"We're in here," Collins stated as her eyes lit up once he came in to the kitchen.
He greeted everyone in the room before I felt his hand fall on shoulder. "How are you doing, Steph?" He asked, rubbing my back slowly to make me feel better, or something.... I don't know, he drove me nuts.
"Not good." I mumbled as I tried hard not to look at him.
"I-" he was going to say something, but I had just heard enough... It gave me a headache listening to him.
"I'm going back to bed." I pushed myself off the chair, taking the cup with me. "Thanks for taking the girls, Lindsey."
