I looked down at it for a long moment, trying to decide if I really wanted to pick it up, or just kick it right back into the closet and pretend it didn't exist... I will always be thankful that I picked it up.
But I still remember how slow I bent down, a deep sigh filling the empty air around me once it was in my hands. It was an old checkbook- blue, cracked leather and it was even a little dusty. I had never seen in my entire life, and I paid all the bills in our house... I would have known about all the checkbooks and all the checks that were going out from it, but I knew nothing about that one. And that's what scared me the most.
I don't know how long I just stared at it, before I actually opened it up, and flipped through it. It wasn't as old as I had originally thought, actually it was fairly new, and there were still a couple of blank checks, but not very many.
Sighing heavily, I sank down in the bed, creasing a brow as I turned to the very back of the booklet to go through the stubs.
It looked kind of normal- like nothing I should have had to worry about. A couple were written to an electric company, one was for a grocery store, a gas station, and then I saw her name, written in small print.
My heart was racing- I mean, a hundred miles an hour, have a heart attack, or stroke out kind of beating in my chest... There were so many. It was almost every other check had her name on it and a dollar amount that was so beyond me.
I couldn't even begin to imagine why he would be writing checks for a thousand dollars every two weeks... to a woman, nonetheless.
"Oh, my god." I let out a tear filled sigh and then I just broke down.
I wanted to put it back and just never speak of it again, because I was so afraid of it. I didn't understand and a part of me, really didn't want to.
I loved my husband, a lot and even though I hadn't always been the most doting wife in the world, I still adored him. And I didn't want to find something that would make me feel any differently about him.
I didn't want to ruin my love for him, if that makes sense.
After all, he wasn't there to tell his side of the story, so maybe I was secretly hoping that I didn't know what it was... But I knew. I knew right away that it wasn't good.
"Mom?" It might have been three seconds, or three hours after I sat down on the bed, I don't know, but either way, I wasn't ready for them to be home.
I tossed my legs over the edge, throwing that checkbook into my nightstand drawer before I kicked all of the junk back into the closet, where the girls would never see it.
"One second, honey!" I shouted, glancing at myself in the mirror on my way out of the bedroom.
I looked really tired and sad... I was both, and maybe a little more of something I couldn't quite pinpoint.
I was a mess, that's it- bottom line.
But I still headed down the staircase, and I plastered a fake smile onto my face the moment my eyes fell on my two girls and Lindsey. Yes, occasionally I was even nice to him, too.
"You got dressed?" Collins asked, a look of shock written across her gorgeous face.
I let out a dry laugh, rolling my eyes playfully. "Well, thanks." I knew she didn't mean it like that, which is why I found it so funny.
It was actually a miracle that I even knew how to put on real pants after I spent my two weeks in pajamas.
"I meant to say, you look great." She was nineteen... Nineteen, yet she was almost more of an adult than I was at times.
"You do look great." Lindsey gave me a gentle smile as he waited at the bottom of the stairs for me, carrying a to- go bag in one hand and holding out the other for me to take.
And I did, I reached out and took his hand in mind on the last step. "Did you have a good time?" I asked, trailing through the foyer with Lindsey right behind me... lost dog.
"We got ice cream." My eight year old gave me that grin- the grin that meant trouble... a sugar driven monster was right around the corner- I knew it.
Raising a brow, I gave her a big grin. "Ice cream?!" I gasped playfully as I wrapped my arms around her shoulders and kissed the top of her head. "What kind?" I lightly pulled away, still forcing that smile.
"Umm," she slid onto the barstool, glancing back at Lindsey for a quick refresher.
He chuckled, setting the bag down on the counter before he replied. "Cookie dough." He loved her- I knew he did, and I loved him for that. "And we brought mom dinner, huh?" He asked her, pulling out the container to pop it into the microwave.
"I really appreciate that, Lindsey." I did... I was thankful for him.
"Can dad stay and watch a movie with us?" Collins would never have admitted it then, but she wanted us to be a family, or at least get along like one.
It was hard though, it really was. I hadn't been in a relationship with Lindsey for almost eighteen years... Not a healthy relationship, at least. But we tried, even after I was married- we tried to all be civil for Collins and eventually, Maci too.
I really wanted to say no, but when I looked into her deep blue eyes, I knew I couldn't. "Of course," I gave her a smile- a real smile, because I knew she was another one of those people that I couldn't fake it with. "Go pick a movie, girls" I tried to conjure up this excitement my voice... it didn't work.
I just wanted to be normal... I wanted to go back and be who I was before I lost him, but even when I was laughing, I was internally crying. And suddenly, it wasn't just his passing that was weighing on my mind so heavily... There was this woman that I couldn't stop thinking about.
Who was she? Why was he giving her so much money? What was going on? It was already driving me crazy and I had literally just found out... It was just the beginning, and if I could go back in time now, I would warn that woman- the sad, single mother, that she needed to count her blessings, because life was about to get a hell of a lot more complicated.
