Biting down on the inside of my cheek, I remember staring at him from across the table with eyes as cold as stone.
He knew what we were allowed to talk about and what we weren't... It was one of those unspoken rules we had created long before that afternoon. I didn't like to answer his questions- hell, I didn't even want to think about them, let alone allow them to eat away at me like an uncontrollable disease.
I wasn't the worlds best mother- I knew that, but I also knew that I didn't have to explain myself to anyone, especially not Lindsey.
Don't let him fool you, he wasn't a saint either and I have stories- stories that steam back to the very moment I found out that I was pregnant with Collins... He didn't walk on water, that's for sure.
"Fine, we won't talk about her." He held up his hands in defense, almost like I was the one who was overstepping my boundaries.
I knew better than to ask questions about things I didn't really want to know the answer to... I didn't understand why he hadn't grasped that yet.
Nodding my head once, I brought the crystal glass up to my lips to take a sip... a sip that quickly turned into a long, much needed "shot."
"What can we talk about then?" He was trying to get under my skin, because he really knew how.
We had been fighting for so long, by that point a simple look could set one of us over the edge and that look- that stupid look he gave me, just about did it.
"We can talk about the weather, Lindsey." I don't know why I got irritated with him... we just did that to one another.
I loved to talk about Maci, I really did. She was the kind of girl that lit up every room with her contagious laugh, sweet smile and unique personality. She was one of a kind and I could have bragged about her all day long, but Lindsey already everything. He already knew how perfect she was and that's why I didn't want to discuss her with him... I was scared.
"Can we talk about Ben?" He was really pushing it, especially for a guy that had only had half a drink... He usually didn't start to cause problems until his third glass.
"Lindsey, what do you want to know?" I let out a defeated sigh- I couldn't get away from it, he wouldn't let me and I knew, even if I dodged it this time, he would ask again.
"Why didn't you just marry me?" His words caused my heart to sink into the pit of my stomach as my eyes stayed locked with his.
He had always had the most gorgeous blue orbs- I had fallen in love them time and time again in the years leading up to that moment. Those eyes felt like home to me, even when we couldn't stand each other.
And they saw a part of me that no other set had ever seen... He knew me too well.
"I wanted a safe place for Collins." I repeated basically what I had said earlier in our conversation.
I'm not saying I didn't love my husband, because I did... at least I always thought that I did. He did everything for us- he did everything to make sure that if everything failed, I had a soft spot to fall back on.
He was one of those kind of guys that just wanted to take care of his family and he did it well.
I met Ben at a time in my life that was so unpredictable, I couldn't even begin to imagine any sort of stability.
Lindsey and I were living in a tiny apartment with another guy, and neither of them knew how to do anything besides sit around all day and play music. We had a baby- a little girl who needed us more than anything, and I knew I needed to do better for her... she deserved to have the world handed to her, and I promised myself, the day Collins was born- I wouldn't stop until I knew she was happy.
Ben was eight years older than me- not a ton, not like Lindsey had made it seem. He worked for his father at the time, who owned a huge company right outside of Santa Barbara. I was still living with Lindsey when I started going out with Ben... He didn't understand why I did what I did, but I knew.
I knew that even if our music took us no where, Collins would still have opportunities. It might sound wrong, but I did what I thought was best for us at the time.
"I could have provided for the two of you." He mumbled, almost like it was that easy. Nothing was ever easy.
"Bullshit." I rolled my eyes, motioning casually for the waitress to bring over another round.
I wouldn't have been able to sit there, totally sober all night and listen to his wild tales of what our life consisted of.
I might have done some crazy things, but I could never forget the truth.
"I was working doubles in that restaurant, coming home to an upset baby, a filthy apartment and two men that didn't care about anything other than themselves." I had had that bottled up inside for so long, it all just flew out of my mouth in that moment. "I wanted more for us, okay?" I was being harsh, but sometimes I had to be. "That wasn't a crime."
He didn't listen unless I was rude... It was almost like he couldn't hear me until I started to yell at him.
"I need more booze." He leaned back into the booth, raising a brow as he let out a heavy sigh.
We had all night. If he really wanted to sit in that bar and hash out our issues, I was more than willing to do it... I couldn't wait to tell him how I'd felt for the twenty years leading up to that moment.
"If I recall correctly, you didn't chase after us when we left that night." I wasn't the only bad guy.
He never made me feel like he wanted us to stay, even before I had been unfaithful.
I didn't feel needed and maybe that isn't the best reason to go out and find another man, but back then, it seemed pretty valid in my opinion.
"I begged you, Stevie." He mumbled, eyes dropping to the table.
"You begged me not to take our daughter, but how could I not?" There was no way- no way in hell that I was just going to give Lindsey full custody of our little girl.
She was my heart and soul.
"Just admit that you did the wrong thing, Stevie." He could be mean too, and that was his way of proving it.
Shaking my head, I gave him half a shrug. "If it were up to me, you still wouldn't know Collins."
