Will You Be Mine?

♥️ Winner || faded_____stardust ♥️

Dear secret crush,

You will not read this, which is exactly why I'm writing it.

Though you're still not gonna know me, it feels good to finally spill all about the little stares and bunch of butterflies whenever you came around. I'm pretty sure that I'm gonna deeply regret writing all this to you as soon as I'm done, but am I even trying to stop?

Not really.

Even if I tried, I wouldn't be able to do it either. Because that's exactly how everything about you works for me. If potentially stopping myself from staring, glancing, smiling and slightly following your trail around and even..... having this enormous crush that I prefer to be referred to as the serene one sided love was possible, I probably would've given up ages ago.

But, who am I to not let myself from falling in love? Nobody.

Nobody.

That's exactly the reason why I'm still in the list of the ones who are crushing on you and probably not in the ones who were politely rejected by you. It's funny how much it pleases me when everytime you give that slight shy smile exclusively reserved for rejection to people though the idea of receiving it myself no matter how charming it is, freaks the hell out of me. The truth is I simply can't stand all the teasing chuckles and hurtful words from our peers considering we've got the same friends circle.

In a way you are my best friend for which I'm glad. Everytime you choose to talk it out to me when something bothers you, makes my already weak heart flutter soo hard that god knows how I make it through your occasional eye contacts and emotional talks. Aren't I a bit too afraid of losing a friend than losing a crush? Yes. I don't want things to get awkward between us. It will only make things worse for us. Me.

I might not know you enough but I am pretty much head over heels for you that I wouldn't mind spending my whole life trying to read you chapter by chapter, sentence by sentence, word by word, literally taking all the time the universe can provide me with. It kills me when I see someone hurting you. And it hurts me even more when I see you smile to not lose the cool aura when someone says something harsh. Only if killing them didn't blow my cover off.

I do have the courage to talk to you. But in a world where only we both exist, where only you will hear all the things I wanna speak, the whole story starting from how it all began to how it's going. You know that feeling you get when you are choking underwater? The feeling that your heart might burst, your throat all so choked? It's how I feel around you. But since, it's better to have it this way than not have you at all, I will just ............ Nevermind?

Every casual touch of fingers and simple 'heys' which might've meant nothing to you are sitting in the special shelves of my mind. You dont think it's easy to put on my brightest smile when you tell me that you're dating the girl you've wanted to date for sometime with all that sparkle in your eyes, right? As your friend I'm happy for you as i should be ... but as your you-know-what I can't really explain the emotion that surges into me. An emotion that keeps your eye puffy and red throughout the night while you craddle yourself to sleep in your closet maybe.

Well......

That's the thing about love. It needs no recognition, no permission, no approvals, no words, no touches, no kisses, no promises and ish. All it takes is a state of mind that fills you with butterflies even under the dry sun, hot even while the world freezes, breathless even if you breathe and calm through the storm if you have them by your side. It's funny how much its means whether or not it's in the past, the present or even if the future is one big question or nothing but emptiness. That's how it works.

One day I might free myself from you, but till then I'll love you with all that I've got, secretly from the corner always having your back if you stumble a bit on your way, happy when you're happy, sad when you're sad and trying to make you smile even in your hardest moments, I will be there for you. As long as you've got that smile on your face for which I fell crashing all the way down from the state I've once considered normal is more than enough of a reason for me to be content.

For me that's love and I love you.

~ A. EMMÁR