Will You Be Mine?

♥️ Runner-Up || SuperPotterWhoLock5 ♥️

Dear Secret (sort-of) Crush,

I know we only knew each other for part of a summer and that we have lost touch since then, and I know that this letter will never reach you, but I just wanted to say that you impacted me much more than I expected you would. The residential science program we did was somewhere I hoped to meet new people, but I didn't expect that one of them would still occasionally come into my thoughts a year and a half later. When we first met, I wasn't sure we would necessarily get along. You were so different than anyone else I'm friends with, so much more outgoing and confident in your identity than me. You pushed me out of my comfort zone, and I still remember how it made me feel to this very day.

I was still struggling with my identity when we met, sure I had told my wonderfully supportive friends I wasn't straight, but the label I was using at the time just didn't feel right. I was at a point where I was beginning to see myself as a lesbian, but was still so scared of that fact. I had no dating experience (and still don't), and the only person I tried to ask out kindly refused, only to out me to a decent number of people at my school. Seeing you be so confident in who you were, seeing you unafraid to be openly and honestly yourself with others was empowering. When we practiced public speaking, you told the story about your sister and how she supported you coming out, and talked about finding the light at the end of the tunnel in regards to coming out to your parents. Somehow, that was exactly what I needed to hear. Even if I never directly told you that, I hope you know. In a way, I think you could sense that I needed that push, and that you gave it to me, even if not on purpose.

I still remember the evenings we spent with the rest of the girls group, how you saw me reading my book and asked me to read it aloud to you in front of everybody. You knew I was quiet, but you didn't care, you convinced me to let go of my fear of being judged so we could just have fun. You didn't seem like the reading type, but you were interested in my interests. I remember the nights we spent hanging out with the group as a whole, when we all left our dorms with the RAs and hiked up the hill to see the stars. You tried to have us take pictures together in the dark, and when we headed back down with the rest of the group, convinced us to all stay outside and play games until we went to bed.

I didn't realize until months later that some of our interactions were meant to be more flirtatious, it just flew over my head. I didn't realize how many of our actions on the last day of the program were so close to something a couple might do for each other. When you asked me to make you a playlist of all my favorite songs, saying you would do the same for me, I thought nothing of it. Since then I realized that maybe you were trying to convey an interest in me, one that I wasn't ready to see. Now we are a state and half apart, have lost contact, have moved on with our lives.

Even though we will never be together, I want to say thank you. You helped me accept who I was, and helped me understand what it meant to have a crush for the first time. All of my other 'crushes' were forced so I could fit in, even if I didn't recognize that and thought they were real. You helped me realize what it's like to be liked by someone else, and that means so much to me. Even though we were never together in any real sense, even though nothing truly romantic ever happened between us, I still consider our experience together to be formative of my journey to acceptance. Instead of feeling scared of the fact I like girls, instead of hiding in the closet, I have been able to come out and feel like when the opportunity arises I will be ready to date. Like I said before, when I expected to make new friends and meet new people, I didn't think any of them would change me and cause so much self reflection, but you did, so thank you.

Your secret crush,

E