UNDER HEAVY EDITING THROUGH GOOGLE DOC, THE NEW CHAPTERS WILL BE LONGER AND BETTER WRITTEN ! look under the summary for more info.
!Mature themes & Smut!
❝ Can't you see it? Cant you see I'm so madly in love with you it pains me! Merlin Black are yo...
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DUE TO MY FALSE imprisonment, and being locked up in the shrieking shack; I really hadn't had the right amount of time to fully grieve over James and Lily— and now that I was finally free, it was hitting harder than it should've. I no longer slept, I barely ate, and the only time I left the room was to attend meetings, or play with Hope for a bit.
It got to the point where Sirius literally had to drag me out of bed sometimes, because I had no energy or motivation to move.. it was upsetting, feeling this way— like I had now power over my body; and the sadness was overtaking it.
Moody said it's depression, while others say it's just a step in the grief cycle— I didn't know what to believe.. I had tried many things to get past this bump; to finally let go of the past and live life in the present.. but it was hard— especially when I would go downstairs, and see the spitting image of the boy I was grieving for.
But last week was my breaking point, when I headed down the stairs to breakfast— and nearly ran into Harry making me accidentally apologize to him as James. The moment triggered something, causing me to breakdown into tears.. and I didn't even know why.
I felt bad for making Harry go through that.. I didn't want the boy to believe he was at fault for my recent behavior..
That was when Sirius finally figured I needed a way to express my feelings— and that's when we came up with writing letters to James. We knew he wouldn't see him, and we knew it was probably a stupid idea— but I was willing to give it a try.
So for the past few days, I've sat in my room— scribbling on rolls of parchment; and sending letters to my deceased best friend. Before burning them to ashes in the small fireplace, where they would hopefully make their way to him.
I was at a low, something I wouldn't wish in anyone. Except one,
Denial,
Dear James,
It's been fourteen years now, since you and Lily left. Sometimes I can't help but think that maybe you'll miraculously come running through that door and cry out about how Sirius is touching your sister.. like you used to.
It's hard to put my head around the fact that you're really gone, just like that.. I know it was years ago— but it's all hitting now and I can't help but feel as though it's fake.. a fabricated lie.
