The Love You Can't Have {Spencer Reid}

6. Proving

TW: mention of drugs

"Life is like a piano, white keys are happiness, black keys are sadness. But over time you learn that you need both to make music." -unknown

another day of Spencer at work and me alone. the drunk thing was far behind us, but I still feel he's hiding something. I was looking through his drawer to steal some of his clothes when something stuck out. I picked up a large bag filled with pills and rugs. my breath hitched when someone stated unlocking the door. I quickly threw a shirt over the bag and left his room, trying to act natural by picking up a book. "hey sweet girl." Spencer walked over and kissed my forehead. "hey." he set his things down and headed for his room. "I'm going to change and then I'll be right back." I wanted to stop him or even ask what the bag was for but he already closed his door. a couple minutes later he emerged from his room only wearing a pair of plaid pants. "were you in my room?" I set the book down and bit my lip. "why did you go in there?" he seem agitated. "because I was looking for some of your clothes." I knew he knew that I found the bag too. "oh yeah, I found you bag too. was I not enough for you?" his brows furrowed and he knew he would have to come clean. 

"no.. I don't use them." I stood up and crossed my arms over my chest. "not anymore at least." I scoffed. "was our relationship a lie? did you even mean it when you told me you loved me?" maybe I was overreacting but ever since I was a kid I felt like my life was a lie. love was confusing, people stayed or left, relationships faltered when all seemed well. "of course I meant it, I still do." he tried to reach out for me but I backed away. "please?" tears started streaming down his face. his touch that had always brought me comfort now made me back away in fear. "why did you use them?" tears now brimmed my eyes. he couldn't answer. the man with all the answers could say nothing to the love of his life. and so I shook my head and stormed off into the night, getting into the hallway and walking off, to Ben's apartment upstairs. 

"just let me explain, ok?" Spencer had gone to Ben's apartment shortly after I left. he knew I would be mad for showing up but he needed to explain. I sighed but let him in since Ben was asleep and I was staying in his spare room. I stood against the door and waited. "I never took them when I was with you. as bad as it sounds... you are my drug. ok bad timing, but what I'm saying is that you complete me. you understand me, you listen and care about me when everyone else leaves. I love you so much it hurts when I'm away. I took them so I could numb the parts of my heart that ached for you when I left. I know I should've told you but I was scared you'd leave, like everyone else." 

tears ran down his cheeks and I moved to cup his face. his lip trembled as I wiped away his tears. "our relationship was never a lie. I love you so much Delilah and I will spend the rest of my life proving it to you. I threw the out, every last one. I don't deserve your forgiveness right now you-you could send me away and that's fine but-" I cut him off by pushing my lips to his. he kissed back but quickly pulled away. "y-you don't have to forgive me tonight, I hurt you." 

"shut up and kiss me." I shouldn't of ran away before he could explain but that's all I knew, run. I just hoped he would forgive me too. Spencer nodded and placed his hands in my hair, pulling me into a long kiss. "will you please come back over? I want to start making it up to you." he pushed his forehead against mine and opened his eyes. "yeah, that sounds good." he walked me back to his apartment and asked if I could take out the bag of garbage with the pills in them. if he didn't know where they were, he couldn't go looking for them. I threw it into one of the dumpsters outside and joined Spencer in his bedroom. 

he smiled and held up a book. I laid on his bed and he moved to lay in between my legs, resting the back of his head on my stomach. he held out my favorite book and began reading it. I smiled and played with his hair, lightly scratching his scalp. Spencer knew he would crave for the pills again. but this time, he took a long time to remember exactly how my fingers felt running through his hair. he promised he would never let anything come between him and I ever again.