Our New Normal

Part 4: I Want What I Can't Have

"So...what do you want?" He looks at her with a sense of nervousness. The short space between them isn't enough the keep the feeling of his slightly trembling leg from reaching her. "Just...just tell me....please..."

If this isn't Deja Vu with him.

And if I lose again after being vulnerable, then I'm done with all of this forever.

It's unfair to share out loud my thoughts and feelings- only to be
Looked down upon and given nothing in return.

"I...well...I want y....I want what I can't have." She states and gets up to cross the room back into the kitchen.

Putting her walls up has gotten easier of the years of torturous heart breaks.

But Max has proven to tear them down so easily.

That is what scares her truly.

That this one man can tear her apart in the sweetest way and leave her lost in his world.

And it's only when she wakes up from the dream that she realizes their realities will never overlap.

"Helen..." Standing up, he starts towards her and she puts her hands out to him.

"Please... Max. Let's just drop this. It's late and..."

"If you won't say then..."

"Why should I say anything?!" She cries out slightly like a wounded animal. His face pales and he understands her completely. "What difference will it make? We never get anywhere!"

"Helen..."

"And in the end it doesn't matter what I've said! Because I've said it all before- haven't I?!" Sighing, he leans against the edge of the counter, gripping it slightly and he drops his head. She stands across from him looking out the windows, though all she really sees is herself looking back at her and him looking defeated in the background. "You want me to say it? I mean you actually want me to say it out loud...again?"

He doesn't say anything.

He just watches her and contemplates his next move.

"I...huh....I want you...Max."

His eyes soften and he releases his breath.

"I can't pretend I don't any more....and that...that scares me to think that you hold that much of my heart." She closes her eyes momentarily as she grips the windowsill and tries to quell her shaking nerves from her vulnerability. "And...I'm scared that nothing will come of this. That I've exposed everything I've worked hard to keep to myself and all I will get in return...is pain."

It goes silent for a few minutes before she turns around and finds himself standing there like a statue. Shaking her head, she figures this is simply round two of the nonsense she has always had to deal with when it comes to Max.

"Forget I said anything. It'll make things easier for the both of us." She starts walking towards the front door when he finally speaks up.

"I do have something to say- Helen." She stops and looks over her shoulder at him- trying to mask her upcoming tears. "Just give me a moment...
please. I just want to make sure I say it in the best possible way."

She remains still and turns to watch him pace and think of the correct phrasing, which makes her nervous.

It shouldn't be this hard for him to say what he feels.

It doesn't usually take him this long to process.

But maybe for the important stuff it does.

Maybe she just never gives him enough time to communicate and therefore she takes his silence as having nothing to say at all.