Upside Down Mirror: Free Falling (Harry Potter Fanfic)

Broken Self

"I know. I know full well I'm small for my age, particularly for a Black."

In the back of his mind that was yet another way he'd failed in everything he did, but nothing he tried to counter the problem worked. Everything, that is, except for saving the little girl who mysteriously showed up in the cave and prevented him from dying there like he'd expected to when he retrieved the Horcrux.

The fact his grandfather, the head of the Black family saw that particular problem was in fact mortifying, but then so was the fact he'd admitted to defecating all over himself. Getting compared to Sirius, the troublemaker in the family was also mortifying. Trying to live up to the Black family standards was stressful, tiring, and such an awful pain in the neck that he'd had enough and...

Honestly, giving Arcturus Black the middle finger was possibly even more stupid than fetching the Horcrux, if not even more mortifying than anything, yet it felt so satisfying to let the entire world know just how fed up he was with everything. At the moment it felt so satisfying to have some kind of control over his current situation, only for him to come down from the whole experience feeling even more mortified than before.

"Regulus, when I asked what you were thinking, I was asking why you didn't come to me for help."

The words should have brought relief; instead, Regulus felt like an utter idiot, the tears starting to well up again, the crying being yet another mortifying experience. He wanted to apologize again, but his grandfather held up his hand, the corner of his mouth twisting ever so slightly, not to mention the look in the man's eyes that Regulus couldn't read.

"Don't. You've already answered that question." Yet, it didn't feel as if he had. "I can't tell you enough the fright you gave me, showing up here half-dead like you did, but..."

"Sorry." His gut reaction was to apologize for being such an inconvenience, but now he couldn't look the man in the eye anymore. The earlier bravado was gone. "I..."

"Of course, Horocrux being involved definitely means I've got to change my contingency plan, doesn't it?" Arcturus mentioning the Horcrux so casually made Regulus look at Andromeda's husband, uncertain of what to think of the man, but then his grandfather said, "I picked Ted Tonks to be my personal healer specifically because he's the last person anyone would expect for me to pick. I also knew I could trust him. After all, St. Mungos wasn't an option tonight, was it?"

Regulus fidgeted slightly. "No. I'm sorry. I didn't..."

He wanted to say he didn't mean to be an inconvenience, only for his grandfather to interrupt. "Stop. I'm the one who should be apologizing to you. After all, I could have intervened sooner, should have taken the time to realize things had gotten this bad for you. It never occurred to me that this whim of yours was the result of you not understanding what was expected of you."

Regulus' head jolted up, his throat tightening. From out of his mouth came the names of each family member who would disagree. His mother, his mother's parents, her brother...

"Maybe they're the ones who don't know how a proper Black should act and not you?"

"I want to be good." It was all he ever wanted to be, but being good was so very, very hard.

"I know you do. You've always been a good child Regulus. And..." He heard his grandfather take a deep breath which in turn made Regulus brace for the lecture, his eyes closing. "Despite the fact I'm furious at you for nearly getting yourself killed, I am proud of you."

"You shouldn't be." He now looked his grandfather in the eye, having calmed down somewhat, confusion sets in. The words simply came out when he likely should have held his tongue."

"And why not?"

"I nearly got myself killed over a House Elf."

"What?"

"He left Kreacher for dead?" He most definitely should have kept his mouth shut as he was simply revealing how dumb he was.

"Oh. I saw him just a minute ago, didn't I?"

"He only survived because I ordered him to come home. If I hadn't..." Regulus looked as if he was going to start crying again. "I didn't mean to bring the family into this mess. I planned on dying there, but then the girl showed up and I couldn't leave her to die in the cave. I just..."

"You planned on dying there?"

Regulus flinched, recognizing the tone of voice. "I meant to say I expected to die there. I mean, I didn't have a single contingency plan for not dying there, but then that girl..."

"Was definitely not a part of the contingency plan and you're alive because you couldn't leave her there, right?"

"No." Regulus closed his eyes, sliding down. "I'm alive because she used magic in the cave to drive the Infiri away. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"For what?"

"For being such a pain in the ass."

"Well, your brother never did apologize for being a pain in the ass, did he?" The chuckle from his grandfather made him look the man in the eye. The man was smiling, a rare sight, but the look in the man's eyes still bothered him. "Regulus, I almost lost you tonight."

"I'd like to promise you it won't happen again, but I can't." He swallowed.

"Then we have a problem, don't we."

"I'm sorry. I..."

"Regulus, how do I make it clear to you that you can come to me for help, that you don't have to do all of this – this horrid Horocrux business, you defecting from the Death Eaters – you don't have to do all of this on your own." Of course, Regulus didn't have an answer. Arcturus took a deep breath. "Regulus, about your weight..."

His teeth ground together, having wondered when the conversation would come back to that. "I know I'm small." He remembered all too well the memories which the potion brought back, of not only Sirius leaving, but the voices of his schoolmates, even fellow Death Eaters always saying he wasn't good enough, his small size being part of it. "Particularly for a Black. You don't think I haven't tried?"

"I'm giving Ted permission to use whatever Muggle treatments he thinks is appropriate, but you're going to let him help you."

"I..."

"I'm that desperate to keep you alive child, but you're to put those damn Horcrux out of your mind and get a good night's sleep. We'll discuss that problem in the morning."

"I..."

"Regulus," Ted spoke up, catching him off guard, making him think whatever Muggle treatments he had planned would start tonight. "Are there any lingering symptoms from the potion or the Infiri I need to take care of?"

Regulus swallowed. "Thirsty. To draw the victim to the Infiri in the water it makes you thirsty."

"I'll have a House Elf leave a vase of water and a glass by your bed tonight then, but as your grandfather says, rest is your best option right now."