pen pal - trixya

chapter 8

September 2nd, 2015. Thursday, 11:30 p.m.

" Hey. It's me. "

Before Katya can fully comprehend the situation, her finger flies over to the pause button, and she shrieks while throwing her phone all the way across her bed. "Shut up," she whispers and then laughs, her nerves escaping through the gap between her teeth. "Shut the fuck up."

When she quits staring at her phone and recoiling in the corner of her queen-sized bed, she reaches closer to it with hesitant hands before pressing play again. " I used to think this song was originally by the Dixie Chicks, so I learned it, but, um, it isn't. And you probably don't care. That's fine. "

So Dolly does have a voice. Katya sometimes lets herself forget that she exists outside of their little email world. There is something about the way she speaks, though, and maybe it's just because Katya's so used to reading her words, but she can swear her voice has a tingle of familiarity to it that she can't quite put a finger on. She didn't even process what the girl said, she could hear her clear as day, but couldn't make herself listen. It's almost like she's heard Dolly speak before, it's like she already knew that this is what she'd sound like. She licks her lips with a furrowed brow as Dolly continues.

" I hope you like it. I, uh, hope it makes you feel better ." The delay in Katya's mind catches up just in time for Dolly to start singing. " I took my love, and I took it down. " Oh, shit. " I climbed a mountain, and I turned around. And I saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills... Well, the landslide brought me dow n."

All of the thoughts in Katya's head disappear to give place to a billboard-ish DollyissingingtomeDollyissingingtome in blinding neon lights that occupy her entire brain for a moment before she is drawn back to the song, this time paying close attention to the lyrics. She knows Dolly doesn't sing in front of people, so whatever this is, it must mean something.

" Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love? Can the child within my heart rise above? Can I sail through the changing ocean tides? Can I handle the seasons of my life? ". Dolly hums almost as quietly as her guitar chords vibrate. " Well, I've been afraid of changing 'cause I built my life around you... But time makes you bolder, children get older and I'm getting older too. " On the other side of the phone, Dolly sighs. " Well, I'm getting older too. "

Katya's throat ties in a knot well before the tears start pouring out, but when they do, all of the heaviness in her body follows the stream and she cries it out. Half of it comes from missing Brooke and wishing she was here right now, so she could hug her and ask her how her day was or simply sit with her in silence for a while and make silly faces at each other periodically. The other half comes from knowing what singing means to Dolly and the disbelief of being important enough to be sung to, despite her fears and anxiety. She cries because while half of her is lost, the other half has just been found. And it's too much.

" Well, I've been afraid of changing, 'cause I built my life around you ", Dolly's voice echoes through Katya's room, which now feels so empty even though it's cluttered all the way to the ceiling. Whoever wrote those lyrics is more than welcome to fuck off. Almost instinctively, Katya gets up out of bed and walks towards the picture frame on her dresser that has been facing down for a few months and picks it up with both hands, holding it close to her chest before even looking at it, she doesn't have to. The image is already burned in the back of her mind. It's her and Brooke at ages seven and eight, dressed up for Halloween. Brooke was a zombie cheerleader, and Katya was some kind of corn cat. What? She loved cats and corn, why couldn't she be both? That year, they ate so much candy that both of them had food poisoning. It was probably one of the most evident times in which Brooke was far from perfect, and those times were rare, so Katya rejoiced in that memory.