pen pal - trixya

chapter 29

Date: January 4th, 2016. Monday, 03:45 p.m.

From: iqkitty @ gmail.com 

To: jinkxmonsoon25 @ gmail.com

Subject: The pen pal project

Hi, Mrs. Monsoon! It's been a while since I've last heard from you, but I hope you're doing okay. I know you had asked me to send you an e-mail by the end of the semester to talk a bit about my experience with the pen pal project, but things got busy. I hope you don't mind I'm a little late.

To sum it up, I can only say it was insane.

It worked. A few months into it I still had quite a few rough panic attacks, including the kind that makes me pass out, but it has since calmed down. I don't wake up every day wishing I were someone else, wishing my brain wasn't against me - now I know it isn't, and it's trying its hardest to do the best for me. Like, I can't come here and tell you that this project (plus my doctor and medication, of course) simply cured me of all my troubles because that isn't the truth, I don't think I'm "cured". To be honest, I don't think I'll ever be cured, there is no way I'll be 100% over this someday. Maybe my anxiety will always be a part of me, but I have learned through observing people deal with grief (long story) that even if something doesn't necessarily get better, you can always get better at learning how to deal with it.

I still have bad days. Sometimes I wake up and I just know instantly that it won't be easy. My first instinct is to crawl inside of myself and stay there until it's over, but I try not to give in to it by telling my mom or whoever is going to spend the day with me that I'm having a tough time. Sympathy doesn't always help, but it's comforting to know that wherever I go people are already aware of what I need. I cry a lot on these days. I get in my own head about school, about my future, and I feel so small before so many huge things... What I do is try to remind myself that I'm actually not that small. I can't predict what is going to happen, but I can evaluate my options as they come to me. I swear some days just watching a couple of funny videos on Youtube already does it for me, but not always. Also, I haven't skipped work or school due to my anxiety in a while now. I want to, but I don't.

Well, I'm not cured, but I am better. I feel better. Not just as in "not sick anymore", but as in "I might have grown into a respectable person who knows themselves enough to be worthy of some dignity". I'm happier about the life I live, even though it's not ideal, I'm happy about the people I have around me, I'm happy about myself. And if anything, at least this project gave me one hell of a story to tell.

My pen pal and I called each other Dolly and Jodie to avoid using our real names, and I guess that the first reason why I fell into it so deeply. Back in August, I was terrified of being seen, of being acknowledged, but turns out that having "Jodie" see and acknowledge me was exactly what I needed. Whatever I had to say to her flowed so easily out of me and into my fingers as I typed each email that for a while it scared me to know I held so many things inside of myself. It didn't take long for me to come out to her (surprise, I'm a lesbian!) and she came right out to me too. You know where this is going.

Falling for "Jodie" was the easiest thing I've ever done. Dealing with the fall was a different story, but the falling itself was delightful and beautiful and I could do it again a million times. Honestly, I think I do it every day when I look at her. Oh, yeah, she's also my girlfriend now.

We actually already knew each other in real life, which was a real plot twist for me. Her name is Katya and she's a regular at The Screen Queen, the movie theater where I work. When I found out, I pushed her away immediately. She came after me to explain everything, and there was so much more going on with her - way harsher things. If falling for her was easy, forgiving her was the same. Not because she was going through a lot, but because I could see it in my heart it was the right thing to do. She deserves everything in the world, including my forgiveness, which is the best thing I could give her at the time. I'm sure your original plan wasn't to get me a girlfriend, but your matchmaking skills worked wonders, intentional or not. Having been able to take a stroll around Katya's mind really put things in perspective for me. I know that what actually did something to make my brain suck less was my doctor and my medicine, but she helped so much. Whenever I talk to her, in person or not, the static in my brain turns into music. I never thought I'd meet someone who just does that to me, yet here we are.

If you're thinking about trying this kind of project again, I'd say go for it. It won't always turn into a beautiful tale of homoerotic relationships, but as far as friendships go it could really work. Having "Jodie" helped me take the first step towards dealing with feelings I didn't want to deal with, and it made me realize I could count on the people around me. Being loved by her somewhat made me feel love all around. I needed someone to remind me that life goes beyond the shitty feelings that I have, and she did exactly that. I'm sure this kind of project could create sincere and long-lasting friendships because above everything this is what we have. Katya and I are best friends who just happen to kiss each other a lot.

I'm about to say something silly, but I think we'll be together forever. I know we're teenagers and life doesn't end when high school does, I know that, it's just... It's not a hunch, it's not a feeling at the pit of my stomach, nothing of the sort. I don't want to let her go, simple as that. I can imagine my life without her, I've done that for sixteen years before we met, but I want her there. I want her arms around me, I want her lips on mine, and I want her cold feet on my shins when we sleep. I want her. I have her, and not as in "she is mine and I possess her", but as in every day she wakes up and chooses to be a part of my life the same way I choose to be a part of hers. We have each other is what I'm trying to say. It's nice, it's comfortable, and it's the best thing that has ever happened to me.

I should invite you to the wedding if we ever get married.

Thanks for making me a part of this, Mrs. Monsoon. Can I call you Jinkx now that you aren't my real counselor anymore? If you want to hear more about this semester without me shoving my relationship down your throat, let me know and I'll send another email. I've attached a report from Nurse Asia and one from my doctor as well, so you can check those out as well.

Hope you're doing alright.

Love,

Beatrice.