pen pal - trixya

chapter 23

Date: November 1st, 2015. Sunday, 01:33 p.m.

From: brightredscare @ gmail.com

To: iqkitty @ gmail.com

Subject: I'm sorry :(

Hi, Trix. I hope you're doing alright.

Last night was... Intense. I'd never done anything like that before and then, well... Yeah. I know you hadn't either, so I hope you understand my head was spinning just as fast as yours. I'd very much like to elaborate more on how I'd been longing to kiss you for a good while before I actually did it, and how it fucking felt once it finally happened. I swear there's something magical about you. Unfortunately, that would be... Incredibly inappropriate.

I'm here to apologize before anything else, and also to explain what really happened. Should I start at the beginning?

So, my sister and I had a tradition. We always used to go to the movie theater together, it was somehow our little safe space, away from my parents' fights, away from how fucked up life was at school, it was just the two of us having a good time for two hours before going back to reality. Then, over the summer, she died. You know that part already, maybe even a little too well. After her death, I stayed home most of the time, and it was hell. While I was stuck in my little depression hole, you started working at The Screen Queen, which is why you never got to meet her. As soon as school started, my counselor paired me up with you to be my pen pal, since I was having problems connecting with my friends or whatever. You know how that went. Then, I went back to the movie theater on one especially bad day, and there you were.

The first time I saw you was... Something. I looked at you and you went right through me, Trixie, I have no idea how to explain that. An adorable little pink thing staring at me. And fuck, you're beautiful. I was so lost I didn't even know what to look at first, your eyes or your lips or the glow on your cheeks. I then learned you were a little shy and I thought "You know what? A little mindless flirting wouldn't hurt." One, because it was so, so much fun to watch you all tangled up in your own words whenever I said anything cheeky, and two because obviously nothing would happen. Why would anyone like you ever feel anything for someone like me? It was a safe bet. Just for fun. But then, of course, you turned out to be way, way more than just a pretty face.

At the same time, my connection with Dolly was out of this world. You know that because you felt the same thing I did, but I was scared. I was scared of my own feelings and scared of ruining the single best thing that has ever happened to me, so I said some things I shouldn't have. I called you friend way too many times, and I can't fucking believe you fell for that bullshit. You're smarter than that, Trixie. You know I was never just your friend, the same way you were never mine. It has always been more, since the very beginning. Still, neither of us had enough tits to do anything about that, so I take it you gave up on Jodie and decided to shoot your shot with Katya. I can't blame you. I was close to doing the same thing.

The call was like a turning point for me. It really meant a lot and I can't ever thank you enough for that. Still, because I'm an idiot, I left so, so many things unsaid. We were alone in the universe, watching the stars, and I didn't take my chance. I realized how big of a mistake that was, but then I thought it was too late. So when you asked me to go to the party I had no choice but to say yes. Whatever chance I had of being more than friends with Dolly was ruined. It would be stupid to let another chance go.

But then, Trixie, that very night something happened. I heard you humming the song you wrote for me. I don't think you even realized what you were doing, but that's when it hit me. You and Dolly were the same person. The two girls who were pulling at my heart were the same person. I did what I assume anyone else would do: I panicked. Of course I knew I needed to tell you. I had planned to do it first thing at the party, but then I saw you and... I'm only human, Trixie. And you do things to me that I struggle to describe. I still tried to tell you, but the time never seemed right or something else came up or whatever. The moment I kissed you, I forgot about everything else around me, but when I looked at your face a second time... I knew I had fucked up. I should have told you before I kissed you. It was not fair to you and it seemed like all I was trying to do was get in your pants, which is not the case. I swear I wanted to have told you the truth sooner, but I failed at that. And by doing that I hurt you. It was unfair, irresponsible, and inconsiderate.