We Could Be Dreamers

12

"How'd you figure out you liked girls?"

The question tumbles out of me before I can really think about whether it's rude or weird or anything. I glance at Sam from across the table, waiting for her reaction.

Sam quirks an eyebrow, a smile tugging at her lips. "Any particular reason you're asking?" She asks casually, propping herself up on her elbows. 

I shrug, feeling my face flush. "I dunno. Sorry." 

The truth is, I've never really talked to Sam about the whole being bi thing. I know she's bi, and we've talked about crushes and dating and all that because that's what friends do, but never really what it's like for her. Now that I'm really thinking about it, I'm kind of clueless with the whole thing. Which feels wrong. 

"No problem," Sam laughs. "Don't worry about it. But how I figured it out..." she trails off. "I dunno. I think I've always known I like girls and guys, but I just didn't really process it as me not being straight. Then—well, you were around for the Tasha thing. Hit me in the fucking face. So." 

"Wait." I pause, absorbing everything. 

The Tasha thing... yeah, I do remember that. Sam was weird for a couple weeks before it—she was being all secretive. Seemed more anxious than she usually was. It wasn't until after she'd come out to me that I realized what had her acting so off. 

"So what do you mean when you say that you've always known you like girls and guys?" I ask carefully.

She shrugs. "It's hard to explain, but I just... well, it wasn't just boys that I found attractive. But that was stuff like Disney movies or singers or cartoon characters or whatever. So it wasn't like crushes or anything. It was just kind of, 'Oh, everyone's pretty.' And then I went on with my life.

"And I'd only ever had crushes on boys before Tasha, so it was like completely new to me. Took awhile to realize it was a crush, too. I kept thinking I just really really wanted to be friends with her. I think it might be a bit different to figure out when you're bi," Sam reflects. "Because there's always that straight part that just kind of keeps you doubting. I think I might've figured it out sooner if I'd never liked any boys."

"Oh," I say quietly. Because, really, I'm not sure what else to say. 

It makes sense, what Sam said. I've been in love with Brooke since forever ago. I've never really considered that I could be anything other than straight.

But, well, what if my feelings for Brooke have been blocking everything else out? 

Sam blinks a couple times. "Hey, Adam," she says slowly. "You're looking... tense right now. Everything okay?"

"Huh?" I force a smile and glance at Sam. "Yeah. I'm. Um. Fine. Thanks, Sam." 

"No problem," she replies, sipping on her iced coffee. "Good luck figuring stuff out."

"I—uh—what?" 

Sam shoots me a wry grin. "Don't worry about it," she assures me. 

"Okay?" I frown, still feeling a bit confused by everything that's going on. 

"Now, you got any more questions?" Sam asks with a light laugh, reaching for her notebook and flipping it open. "Or can I get back to studying?"

"Oh! Um, you can—you can study," I say quickly, leaning back in my seat. 

"Great." She starts to pore over her notes, shoving her glasses up her nose and humming softly to herself. 

I should probably be studying too. God knows I'm behind in pretty much all of my classes. But Brooke's words keep rattling around my brain, impossible to ignore. 

And now I can't help but wonder.

What if it just hasn't hit me yet?