Bitter & Sweet

8. Desire

Wayo's POV

"I want you to be mine in every way," Pha said it out loud. I heard him. At least, I think I heard him. My mind was so confused. We went from feeling so distant for the last week, to him telling me he loves me and wants me in his bed over the course of a couple of hours. I think I even reciprocated by telling him I love him too. Of course it was true, so true that the last week had felt like torture.

We made it to his apartment, holding hands, but I could feel his impatience. I know most people assume that someone my age is going to be at least a little experienced, but for me it just wasn't true. Sure, I've had a lot of dates and even kissed a few times, but I've never gone all the way with either gender. Was I really going to do this? I saw the way Pha looked at me as he pushed the button to close the elevator and I wasn't sure I was going to have a choice.

He pulled me into his arms as soon as the doors shut, giving us the illusion of privacy until we could get inside his apartment. He was pushing me against the wall, his body pressed to mine and his tongue desperately searching my mouth. I reached up, trying to meet his taller form, but Pha seemed to think that wasn't enough, so he lifted me up, putting my legs around his waist and grasping my bottom tightly.

"Pha," I whimpered once, as he carried me to his bedroom and pushed me down on his bed. I was gasping for air as he finally freed my mouth and moved his lips to my neck, while he pulled impatiently at my clothes. I could feel his need and it matched my own, but a small part of me was begging me to stop, telling me this was insanity. Dating a man who would not be yours forever was one thing, but having sex with that man, knowing that he would eventually leave you, wasn't that courting heartbreak?

Just like in those movies with an angel mini-me on one shoulder and a devil mini-me on the other, I tried to listen to both sides while my body fought to keep me exactly where I was, in Pha's arms.

"You shouldn't be doing this, Yo!" my shoulder angel practically shouted. "You know he's been with other people. Do you really think you can match up to them?"

"Who cares?" shoulder devil said, licking his lips. "Even if it's not his best ever, it will definitely be yours."

"Is that all you care about, you stupid miscreant? What about Yo's poor heart when Pha dumps him?" shoulder angel shot back.

"Hey, if there's no way to make Pha stay, we might as well have some fun while we're here!" shoulder devil responded.

"Wait a minute," I asked them both, "why are we assuming he's going to dump me? Did he only say he loved me so he could get laid?"

When Pha's hands stopped their explorations and he pulled back from me looking shocked and worried, I realized I asked the last question out loud. Do you know what those traitorous shoulder helpers did? They vanished. Yep, *pop*, and they were gone. Leaving me to deal with the mess my mouth had just made.

"I'm sorry," Pha said, smoothing down my hair as he sat next to me on the bed, keeping his body distant. "I was so focused on what I wanted that I was moving too fast. I never meant to make you feel like I was just going to take what I wanted without your permission. It's up to you. I mean, of course it's your choice, but no matter what you choose, I'm going to love you. So if you don't want to do this, I'll wait until you're ready. I love you just the way you are, I can wait for your body."

"I didn't mean that the way it came out," I said, feeling light and floaty when I reviewed what he said in my mind. "I do want you, Pha. I don't want to wait. It's just that, um ... ."

"What's wrong, baby?" Pha pulled me into his arms gently, waiting. "Tell me, so we can try to fix it."

"It's just that I've never ... ," my voice trailed off and my cheeks burned as I tried to think of how to phrase this. "This is my first ... you are my first."