Bitter & Sweet

18. Words Shared

Phana's POV

With the lights off, Yo's face was cast in shadow, but I could still feel his body. His even breathing and the way he snuggled into me eased all my worries. He was here and that was all I really wanted.

I caressed his skin, from his shoulders, over his plush bottom, and around to the front where I felt his abs contract when I traced lower. Feeling his body, knowing that he was mine, that he had agreed to marry me, my heart was finally beating again.

"Pha? Is it time to wake up?" he asked me, his sweet lips pressing into my chest as he pulled me closer.

"No baby, go back to sleep," I whispered against his forehead. I could feel him smile, feel the way he pushed his lower body into mine and wrapped his leg over my hip, tangling our bodies together.

In a few minutes, he was breathing deeply and slowly. It was dark outside, but the moon was shining directly into my room. As the moon illuminated Yo's beautiful skin, long black lashes, and perfect lips, I had to catch my breath. He was amazing, it felt like a dream. No one had ever been as happy as I was in that moment. I was alive and Yo loved me.

I don't know when I fell asleep watching Yo in my arms but I knew the exact moment when I woke up to an empty bed. I searched the bed with my hands before my eyes opened in shock, confirming what my body was telling me. Yo was gone. Had it been a dream? Had he been here but left me? I ran out to the front room, forgetting that I'd been sleeping naked. I was frantic, until I saw him. My Yo standing in front of the stove in just his underwear and an apron, making breakfast.

"Yo!" I took him in my arms from behind, pressing his back into my chest and held him tightly. I tried to calm down my overly emotional heart. He was still here. It hadn't been a dream. He was even wearing my ring, the ring that proclaimed him mine. "I thought you'd left me again. Don't ever do that, you can't leave me."

"I'm not leaving," he promised, turning off the stove and turning in my arms to give me a kiss. "Are you planning to stay naked or do you want to put on some boxers before you sit down?"

"Which do you prefer?" I joked, liking the way it felt to have him here again, to start my morning with him.

"I always prefer you naked," Yo grinned at me, his arms caressing my chest as his eyes watched my body, "but don't get any ideas yet. I'm starving and I need real food."

"Yet?" I grinned at him and he kissed my cheek before he pushed me away playfully and began filling plates.

I ran into the bathroom so that I could clean up a little and put on some boxers, then I returned semi-nude to eat with my fiancé. I most definitely did not giggle like a high school girl when I thought of Yo as my fiancé. No one heard it, there is no proof.

As we were eating, Yo looked at me quietly. "The house was a mess," he said, referring to my couch, coffee table, and kitchen that had been covered with empty bottles of beer and a bunch of takeaway boxes of old food, but was now perfectly tidy. Yo must have cleaned up. I looked down, feeling embarrassed. I hadn't meant for him to see that, to know how desperate I had become without him, but I couldn't hide it.

"I wasn't myself without you, Yo," I took his hand, trying to explain. "Before I had you in my life I didn't know how empty it was, but now I know. Without you, there's nothing. I ate and drank and went to work, but it felt like life wasn't worth living. I tried to work all the time, but I was angry and taking it out on everyone around me. I started to feel like going to the company was punishing my employees. I tried to stay home, but I just drank myself into oblivion as quickly as I could every day. Nothing mattered to me when you weren't here to give my life meaning."

The words poured out like a torrential rain, only stopping when Yo reached out to touch my face. "I felt the same way. I didn't want to go to classes and I couldn't go out with friends. The only thing that gave me any comfort was the thought that you were happier without me."

"I don't understand," I couldn't help feeling a little angry, remembering the note he'd left. "How could you think I would be happier? Why would you listen to Pring? Did I ever do or say anything that made you think I wasn't being sincere with you?"

"It was nothing you did," Yo seemed a little sad. "I've just always felt one step behind. Like the whole world was forever marching and I couldn't get in step. I always felt just on the edge of good enough. I had plenty of friends and people who loved me. I was always told that I was special, but to me being special meant I just didn't fit in."

We finished breakfast and he was moving dishes to the sink but I didn't want to clean up. I needed to keep talking, so I pulled him to the couch with me, "Did you still feel that way with me? Did I make you feel like you didn't fit?"

"You were the first person who made me feel like maybe being special wasn't a bad thing," Yo smiled as he snuggled against my chest. "When I was with you, I felt safe and loved, but whenever you weren't around the doubt crept back in. We didn't really talk about anything, even when I knew we should, we just kissed until the problems didn't seem that important anymore."

"That's my fault," I regretted it now, thinking that sex could solve our problems. "My parents fought everyday and I never really learned how to solve conflicts calmly. I figured that bringing us closer physically was better than arguing."

"I don't think there's anything you could have done to make me believe in us, because I didn't believe in myself," Yo said, bringing his hand up to my cheek and looking into my eyes. "I still don't know if I deserve to be the person that you love."

"You're more than good enough," I answered. I wanted him to know how I really felt, in case he ever doubted again. "I don't love you because of your beautiful face or your body or how hard you work or how well you sing. Those are all parts of you that I love, but what I love most, what makes me want to be with you is the way my soul reaches out for yours. The feeling of being whole whenever you're with me. Do you remember the first time we made love? I asked you to keep your eyes open because I wanted you to fill your senses with me."

"I remember," Yo said softly as I pulled him from his seat on the couch to straddle my lap.

"I want you to feel our joining," I admitted, not even embarrassed anymore by how much I needed him. "Not just the joining of our bodies, but the way our hearts and souls draw together in those moments. I didn't think we needed to talk because I thought you would feel it when we made love. Now that I understand you better, I'll make sure to say the words. I love you, only you."

It didn't take long before I was regretting putting on my boxers, but we took care of that problem quickly. Somehow this time was even better than before. We moved together in a wonderful rhythm. Watching each other, hearing the sounds our skin made, smelling the scent of the two of us together, tasting the sweat and salt as we kissed, and feeling the ecstasy of how our bodies met. We laid down on the couch after a quick shower, dressed this time, as Yo picked a movie we could watch. And in the general coziness of domestic life together, I found peace and joy that I'd only ever felt as a child with my dadaji.