This is going to be just a book of stuff I write when I feel like I can't talk about words, our generation has a lot of depressed teens so I know most people that read this can probably relate. I do warn you it can get deep so if you are very sensitive to emotions do not read it, if you continue on and wanna see some of my thoughts then continue reading I would appreciate it and some feedback❤️
Why
Why is living so painful, why are we punished for doing something we never got an option too, if I had an option I would have said no. If I could see the future and feel the future before I had the choice to make it my future I wouldn't have chosen it , if there was a choice to either relive your past and die or see what your future looks like and die I would have loved to see my future, it would have been a good movie but I would have already known the ending, if I could fast forward through my life and watch from the sidelines I'd be okay with that because by the time I saw myself closing my eyes for the last time I knew that living this life would have been harder then just watching it, everything in movies are not real life, that's why they are called movies , love isn't the same anger isn't the same sadness isn't the same and so on, people cry when people die in movies but they don't realise thag it's happening as your watching it people are dying right now and you can't do anything about it, if I had the choice to choose our fucked up world or not existing I would choose not existing I didn't ask to be like this but in like this, the constant no energy all day the fighting the thoughts or feeling the thoughts tok much the struggle to move the struggle to do basic things and no human should have to go through this but yet our society has made it so that the majority of people go through this, why is it you can remember one negative thing from a good person but all the positive things from a bad person? Like what is the actual point of being a good person, to what get pushed around beaten and suffocated, getting lied to and torn apart everyday for what? Because maybe just maybe someone somewhere will have a shred of human decent but human decent doesn't exist anymore, is it really even worth it anymore like let's be real the struggle I go through everyday never doing anything right it always being my fault always being a failure and messing up everything in my life just so what after ten years of this struggle I get a few happy years where I get to stress about bills and job and kids and my life comes devoured in stress and more anxiety then I already have always living in fear what if I don't get this payment in on time what if I do this wrong and that wrong so is it really worth it probably not do I have to unfortunately stay to find out yes, thinking everything doesn't matter because it all goes to shit anyways like who cares anymore right just leave come back whenever you want do this do that whatever works for you never about me and when it is I feel guilty and selfish for being like that, what's the point of staring in the mirror begging yourself to stay alive for others when others treat you like crap , what's the point of laying on the floor crying because your so weak you can't stand you start shaking and throwing up because your body literally can't handle what's in your mind. What's the point of feeling so paralyzed that you feel like you need a wheel chair to get from place to place what's the point when everything you do is wrong or an over reaction what's the point of always being second what's the point of starving or over eating what's the point of distracting yourself for a little just to take your mind off everything why do we live like this no one knows. What's the point of barley being able to breathe because your so weak, the anger the sadness the depression the anxiety I could go on and on and for what, why a few good years, we reread books even though we know how it ends.
What would I say
What would I say to my younger self I would say that each day is gonna become a struggle sometbing you have to fight for what I would say is your mind will never be the same once you move what I WOULD SAY is that dad doesn't change and neither does mom what I would say is the cuts stay on you forever even if there's no scars what I would say is your gonna feel like your drowning and what I would say is you will meet people that tell you I don't see my self living past 18 and you'll never understand until you feel the same what I would say is at this point we didn't think we would make it to 18 what's I would say is most of your fears come true but what I would also say is learn to block people out early because you'll avoid a lot of pain what I would say is you'll find new gokd friends but who knows how long they will stay what I would say is mom is drowning because of you now what I would say is you tried to open up to people and you told everything to everyone then people told you to build walls so you did but I also have to say they also tell you to tear them down so you get confused what I would say is your gonna try and help and heal everyone and they will take it but they will leave when you need it what I would say is you can't help everyone and not everyone is worth helping what I would say is it's really a struggle thinking you need to die everyday and what I would say is music is what will help you the most and what I would say is your gonna be so confident but one person is gonna change that and make you feel like your absolutely nothing I would say you give parts of you in a relationship and those parts will stay with them forever wether yoh like them to or not I would say that relationships seem pointless and you'll be addicted to them I would say that you can't be single because yoh can't deal with your mind alone I would say you have a fear of every relationship I would say that covid isn't the reasons your like this it's because everyone left that year I would say that you always text first and you know what I mean already I would say that you will find. Hard to get the thoughts out and they will consume you I would say what you thought you would become when you move is what you will become I would say you have those days where you can barley walk and your depression is a physical thing that drags you down I would say that our whole generation is messed up and it messes you up I would say the reason you wanted to go to the military changes to a different reason I would say I wish you didn't believe me when I said all this
