The Editor

24. Emma

Two days later I woke up in the middle of the night gasping for breath.

“No no no no!” I moaned. I had been doing so well, while Harry was here I hadn’t had an anxiety attack once. I dialed Liam’s number, my hands shaking.

“Pick up, please pick up.” I muttered.

“Hi Emma, how’s it going?” he said cheerfully. I stayed silent, my breathing still constricted. “I see.” He knew me well enough by now. “So I’ve been doing some research on how to help you with these attacks, do you want to try some of them?”

“Yes.” I said my voice barely a whisper.

“Do you like tea? It says that chamomile tea is good, very calming. I’ve never tried it of course but I’ve heard it’s good. Green tea works as well. Oh look hops work too. That can’t be good for the baby though. I bet you’ll be glad once the baby is out, I read that your hormones should settle down a week or two after the baby is out which means your anxiety attacks should disappear until your child is a teenager of course…” I stopped listening and just listened to the soothing tone of his voice. Slowly my breathing evened out and my heart stopped racing.

“Thanks Liam.” I said once he was done.

“No problem, it gives me something to do. It gets boring on tour sometimes.” We both fell silent for a moment. “Why didn’t you talk to me at the airport?” he asked.

“I…I was embarrassed.”

“Why?”

“I’m used to dealing with things by myself and with these…attacks, I can’t and I was afraid you would pity me.”

“You shouldn’t be afraid to ask for help.” I laughed bitterly.

“I shouldn’t be afraid of a lot of things and yet here I am.”

“You’re stronger than you know.” He said his voice full of such authority I found myself believing it.

“Promise me you’ll always remember; you’re braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think.”

“Only if you do the same.” He said.

“I promise.”

“Good, now get some sleep.”

“When did you get so bossy?”

“When people stopped listening to me. Now go to bed.”

Being 6 months pregnant sucks. I look like I swallowed a soccer ball.

“I look like I swallowed a soccer ball.” I told my doctor. She raised her eyebrows at me and smiled.

“That’s normal.” She said. I shifted on the table; I was getting an ultrasound today. I was going to find out if I was having a boy or a girl today.

“I thought pregnant women were supposed to be happy. I just want to rip someone’s head off.”

“It’s the hormones, most of the time it makes women happy. I guess yours just want you to be angry.”

“Lucky me.” I muttered. I lifted up my shirt and she put the gel on my stomach. I tried not to move as she put the sensor on. The screen wasn’t facing me so I watched her face. She smiled and turned the screen so I could see.

“It’s a girl.” She said. I stared at the screen. I could see a head and hands and little feet. I smiled.

“She’s beautiful.” I said quietly.