Funny Eclipse Spoof

Chapter 1-That's What She Said

Chapter 1-That's What She Said

“Bella!” “Yo Bella!” “Hey Bella!” All I ever heard now was Edward and Jacob calling my names. Trying to get my attention. Now you see Jacob does have a big crush on me, he likes me a lot. He even claims he loves me. He thinks I love him too...but the truth is maybe I do, but I love Edward more. Oh yeah I'm a whore. Even my own father wants to marry me! My father told me the other day after I just didn't know what to do about Jacob or Edward anymore. He said: “Bella?” I replied with: “Yes?” He then said: “Who do you run to when you cant run to Edward or Jacob?” I let out a sigh and said: “You” And well he’s right when I don't know what to do I go to my father for advice. The other day he had a “Talk” with me about Edwards Sexual desires. Which Edward did not have for me, Edward is that “old school” type of guy. I even tried to get him to sleep with me not too long ago and he said: “No Bella not until we are married” I was some kind of villain trying to steal his virginity. Well at least I only felt that way...Why didn't he well you know get “Excited” You know? “Sexually” excited? Could it be that he doesn't have a penis? Nah it couldn't be...Or can it? Anyways so I'm sitting on my bed right now, when I know Edward is watching me through the window like some kind of “Twilight Zone” freak.

I rolled my eyes and thought to myself. He probably thinks I don't know he’s watching. He probably thinks he is some kind of awesome spy or something. So what did I do? I purposely moaned the name “Jacob” A couple of times. And he furiously opened the window (which it was unlocked at the time) and tackled me to my bed. “How dare you say that dog’s name!?!” He yelled with anger. “Relax dude...I was just trying to call your attention” I said with shock. “Oh...Well uhh I mean what's so GOOD about this Jacob guy anyways?” He said as he got an apple from his pocket and took a bite as he sat on my bed next to me. “Well for a start he has a six pack...” “Uh so what if he has a six pack. That’s bad for you he shouldn’t be drinking, so you are telling me that a drunk dude is better then me?” He groaned and threw the apple out the window.

“What the hell? No I mean like “Abs” but you wouldn’t know since you don’t have any...” I sighed and held my face with the palm of my right hand. “Yeah whatever anyways I better go find that apple I just threw out...you know what they say an apple a day keeps the doctor away.” He said getting up from the bed. “Dude not when you throw it outside and eat it again” I said shuttering. “Ever heard of the 5 minute rule?” He said in position to fly out the window. “It’s 5 seconds you douche bag.” I said with my jaw dropped. “Well in vampire life everything is much longer in time” He said as he then flew out the window. I then sighed and looked down at the floor saying, “What a dick” when suddenly Jacob came into the window and said to me: “Correction, Bella he is a vagina not a dick” He then pointed to himself saying, “This is a dick” As he then grabbed a picture of Edward from my desk and pointed to it saying, “And this is a vagina” I couldn't help but to burst out into laughter. He smiled and sat next to me.

“So whats up? I know Edward’s dick is not up that’s for sure. Because he doesn't have one!” He said with laughter. “Stop it!” I said rolling on the bed with laughter. “Haha stop what?” He said with an innocent smirk. “With the dick talk!” I said trying to stop laughing. “HA! That’s what she said” He laughed. Suddenly my father came in and said, “What’s this I hear about dicks and vaginas and nasty stuff like that?” Me and Jacob then looked at him together and laughed like crazy. “Teens these days...Anyways Bella do you want a sandwich?” My father asked. “HAHA NO!” I said yelling. “What you don’t like sandwich?” He said with a sigh. “No dad it’s not that...just never mind” I said with a funny face. “Anyways we have to get serious now...I heard that there is an army of vampires being created to kill you. Do you have any protection?” Jacob said looking at me with great concern. I let out a dramatic sigh and put my hands on my lap slowly saying, “No not now...should I use the Trojan brand?” “HAHA!!! THAT’S FUNNY STUFF BELLA!” Jacob said hitting his chest like Tarzan but instead of howling like him. He laughed instead.