Neil Josten Fan club

Something more

Neil didn't like to think while he was running. The not thinking was sort of the point of it actually. For a few hours he didn't have to wonder about what his name was or wasn't, didn't have to worry what city he might be in tomorrow, didn't have to do anything but let his feet carry him until they couldn't anymore. 

Today was different though, today he couldn't get the words, or word, out of his head.

Love.

It didn't have a meaning to him, not really, not when love meant beating you to remind you how dangerous your actions were. Not when love meant selling you to monsters to settle an old debt. Love was violence in Neil's life and he wanted no part in it. But sometimes Neil had to remember his learning curve was a horizontal line. 

Last night, it had been one of those rare nights where Kevin didn't schedule a night practice, and Andrew wanted to be alone, so Neil had gotten to spend time with Matt and the girls. Allison, Matt and Dan drank like it was their jobs and Neil and Renee had dutifully sipped their sodas along with them. All perched around a small coffee table on the floor, Allison declared they were to play a game called 'never have I ever'. Neil hadn't heard of it, but he just sat back and listened as she explained. 

The premise was simple enough, he didn't keep secrets anymore, but he knew Renee would back him up if anyone (Allison) pushed to hard. Thus began a series of questions that had each of them laughing indulgently with one another.

"Never have I ever skinny dipped", Matt and Allison.

"Never have I ever made out in the locker room", Matt and Dan smirked as they drank, Allison taking a hefty chug. Renee ever the angel of the group did not drink. Neil only drank when he knew no one was looking at him. 

"Never have I ever had a dirty dream about Matt", curtesy of Dan. Neither Allison nor Renee drank but the bashful look Allison slid Renee was a brand of suspicious Neil wasn't equipped to identify. Matt only looked at Neil with curiosity and sighed, slightly disappointed as Neil's drink remained firmly on the table.

Then, "Never have I ever been in love," Dan said eyes narrowing at Matt, presumably some sort of test. Matt only made eye contact with her and drained the remainder of his beer. Dan smiled and kissed him before finishing the remainders of her own. 

Allison only huffed an annoyed breathe before taking a sip and turning her gaze to Renee. Renee, eyes blown out and searching, met Allison's as she took one small sip. The two women didn't brake eye contact for sometime before Neil's attention was dragged back to Dan, who was asking, "Neil why aren't you drinking?"

Neil only furrowed his brows in confusion, refusing to say anything before Dan explained. "Come on, I get it you guys are private but you and Andrew have been together over a year, there's absolutely no way you don't love him."

Neil hesitated. Not because he was unsure of Andrew, never because he was unsure when it came to him. He hesitated because 'love' was as unreliable and unreal as the 22 identities he'd filtered through in his life. Dan seemed to read some of this on his face before she shook her head, sorrow clouding her eyes for a split second, before announcing it was Matt's turn.

Neil kept thinking about it though. Kept asking himself if what he felt for Andrew was love. Asking himself if love was enough to explain what he felt for the man who'd known him even when he was nothing but a scarred body wrapped around a heart of lies. 

Renee had fallen asleep tucked into Allison's side on the couch, blanket draped over them both, Matt not trailing far behind, promptly passing out in the arm chair despite his bed being twenty feet away. Only Dan remained to help Neil dispose of the chip bags and beer cans as they quietly straightened up before bed.