I am terrified. I hate this, it is horrible. It's everywhere I go, it's inside of me. It's tearing my insides apart. It talks to me, yells at me and whispers into my ear. It makes me eat too much or not at all. It forces me to hate the things I once loved, to hurt the people I'll always love. It either keeps me up all night or has me sleep all day. It clouds my vision, it doesn't let me see things as they really are. I mean, deep inside I know that's not real, what I'm thinking can't actually hurt me. Well, then how does it? How does it make me take those pills? How am I picking up this blade? How am I doing things I don't want to do? Does this even make sense? I'm sorry, everything's just so blurry and I can't handle this any longer. I must go now. It's back and so are its friends. I can't deal with them anymore. Goodbye.
****
After a few minutes of laying with Justin as he slept my stomach started to growl. I was also craving a cigarette, badly.
I got up and looked around for some paper and a pen. Once I found a stack of sticky notes, I took one off and wrote, "Went to get us some food. I'll be back :)"
I stuck it to his forehead so he could find it easily. I exit his house and begin walking to McDonald's.
Once I'm there, I walk inside to see a blonde head in the corner of my eye.
I turn to find Ashley at the register. I stare at her as I go unnoticed. She walks out of the restaurant. I follow her.
"Hi, Ashley."
As I say her name I feel a deep pit of anger bubble up inside of me, rising to the top. I can't stand her.
"Oh, um, hi Danielle," she hesitantly replies.
"I hope you apologize," I cross my arms.
"Apologize?"
"Yes. To Justin. You do plan on it, right?" I narrow my eyes are her.
"For what? If anything he should be apologizing to me," she says.
"Are you fucking stupid?" I raise my voice.
"Excuse me?" Her eyes widen as her hands go to her hips.
"You're an idiot. That's it. You have no consideration towards other's feelings, even people you once claimed to 'love'. All you are is an insignificant bitch."
Ending on that I buy chicken nuggets and fries and finally leave.
I could really have a cigarette right now.
While walking back to Justin's house my hands begin to sweat, despite the cool weather. Halfway to his house my fingers are trembling. I speed up, trying to hurry back to safety.
I make it to Justin's house in a few minutes, but by the time I get there my hands are shaking pretty badly and I'm beginning to breathe raggedly.
I rush into his room and drop the bags on to the floor. He's already awake when I come in.
"Whoa, hey, what's wrong?" He's immediately by my side.
I can't get any words out. He rubs my arms up and down, attempting to calm me down.
"Hey, it's okay. Okay? Everything's going to be okay," he says in a soothing voice.
I close my eyes and nod as if in agreement. What's wrong with me?
Oh my God, what a question. It would take me all day to answer that one.
I squeeze my eyes shut, beginning to cry.
You're such a baby. Grow up already, you're pathetic.
My hands find their way to my hair and start to tug.
