Just Read It...

ch.15

(This will not cover current events because I don't feel like falling into a depressive spiral thinking about the current  state of the world )

I often find myself waiting for my end. I constantly catch myself thinking about what the world would be like when I'm gone. Would the others mourn me, or would they celebrate my death with streamers and colors galore, chanting and singing about the death of the looming evil threat to the east. My thoughts tend to drift towards the latter. Its hard not to think that when my whole life has been others trying to take over my land or surpass me.

My history is painted with blood and I am aware of it. The entire world is aware of it. But that is normal, tens of millions of my own people dying is commonplace for Russia. When this happens they do not care, I do not blame them it is not their place but, it makes me jealous. My jealousy sears through my body, when I see them coodle over each other, when they fret over small economic downturn. Why do they only care about them. Why not me? What did I do wrong? Well I did many things to them but it has always been like this. Since I was but a small nation no one wanted to be friends with me. I grew cold, cold as the tundra I resided in. I realized if they didn't want to be friends with me through their own volition I would have to make them. But I guess that never works. I am destined to be alone.

I noticed something, they all like to spend the holidays together. I am never invited. It must be deserved I presume, but it still hurts. I used to have people to spend the holidays with, but now they do not come within 10 feet of me. I just sit, in my big empty house where we all used to live. I sit in the cold, I sit and look at the clock and I wonder about things. It never really matters what I wonder about because it is all the same, I sit and wait at least one person must be thinking of me right now, they will show up eventually. But no one will show up, I am aware that they will not show up. But I still sometimes catch myself wondering why no one is here to spend the holidays. Then I remind myself. Holidays are for people who are loved, and I am not . So I sit there and look at the window I look at the snow and let the cold wash over me. I think about going out and taking a walk but, I just don't see a reason to, a walk would make me aware of the passing of time, and if I just sit here maybe I can convince myself that it is just another day. Maybe I can convince myself it is not holiday. But it never works, sometimes I get so close to forgetting and then I hear one of my peoples excited cheers outside. They are spending time with loved ones, its bittersweet, seeing my people happy makes me happy but it also stops me from forgetting about my loneliness about how cold it is.

I would like to connect with someone but its hard when you have hurt everyone who would want to connect with you. I've ruined it. And so I sit and wait, I wait till the holidays are over and when we go to next world meeting. When I can pretend everyone is not frightened of me, when I can hear everyone's voices, their voices are different from when they speak to me, genuine. When they speak with each other they are happy. I like hearing everyone talk, it is nice. I pretend that they are happy to speak around me. Sometimes I pretend they are happy to speak with me. That I am not freezing in my own home.

But when I leave meeting and the others all go off in groups, to get a meal or just hang out, I leave alone. I go to sit in my cold hotel room and wish that the things I pretend were true.

I doubt this book from the ancients will grant my wish. Why would anyone care about what the evil monster has to say about his feelings. The one who ruined all their lives. Because they have each other, they have the warmth and all I have is myself and the cold.

And so I sit alone at the table, I watch as they talk, they cherish, they communicate. But I don't say much, I don't deserve it. I dont wnat to interrupt anything. I will forever be cold. And I will forever be alone.

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(Well that was fun right? Im sorry its short but its a start right? I hope that was intriguing enough to get you guys to want to stick around. I've always had a soft spot for Russia, but I never knew how to get across how he would feel about a book meant to help them all reconsille. I feel like he would doubt it would do much to help his position. I feel like he would be aware of the things he has done by this point but not knowing how to fix things.

Thanks for sticking around and thanks for reading. Have a lovely night or morning. See ya next the next part.)