💫💀Drowning (rewrite) | Sanders Sides

Chapter 5

TW: mention of panic attack, mentions of unintentional suicide, nightmares, self-harm (somewhat)/suicidal thoughts

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After dinner

Roman's POV

One moment I'm sitting at a table with my fellow sides, the next I'm sobbing along to Burn from Hamilton. Time sure flies, doesn't it?

Logan suggested that someone take over my role as Creativity until I am mentally better, saying he would get Emile to walk me through my recovery, and everyone agreed. According to the rules of peer pressure, however, I also had to say yes. I mean, I didn't want to, and I'm pretty sure Janus could tell, but if he did, it didn't show.

Logan first asked Patton to be 'good' creativity, as he's one of the softest puffballs we've got, but he politely declined. Virgil said it was too much pressure, and since Janus and Remus are unfit for the role, what with their cynical murderous ways, that left good ol' Erlenmeyer Trash* to cover for me.

Logan, possibly the most cynical being I've met, is functioning as both logic and creativity until I'm well again. Sounds like a fine plan, except for the fact that I always find a way to mess things up, even when I'm not active. I mean, the nightmare situation, which gave Thomas panic attacks at 2 in the morning, started when I wasn't even awake. As an actor, this is some next level humiliation.

The nightmares started a few months ago after one particular event with Patton.

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We're standing on a mossy cliff, looking over a seemingly endless sea. Patton is next to me and we're both looking out at the horizon.

"Why are we here?" I questioned.

"No reason, really," Patton replied, "I just wanted to hang out with you for a bit and, luckily, I knew just the spot."

"How come I've never been here? Remus and I control the Imagination, which is where we're currently at, correct?"

Patton shook his head with a small smile. "You'd be wrong there. This place is mine and Janus's, kiddo." But Padre's smile morphed into a frown. "It's a bit saddening to go here, though, and it's got a history. Probably the reason we've never shown it to you."

I raise an eyebrow. "Whaddya mean, glittery sunshine?"

Patton sighed, as if this explanation would take great effort, and the frown turns into a grimace.

"When a side is malfunctioning, Janus and I have to quote-unquote 'drown' them. A new version of that side will pop up seconds to minutes after. The old side doesn't exactly drown peacefully, however. They'll be unconscious within seconds and slowly dissolve into acid. It's horrifying to watch, and the worst part is that the side can't get out of there by himself."

I've never seen Patton this serious or dim before, and it's starting to scare me. "Why are you telling me this?"

The father figure looks up at the sky with teary eyes. "I'm sorry, it's just... when Thomas was younger, many of his ex-creative sides accidentally stumbled upon this cliff and decided to jump in and go for a swim." He looks at me with wide eyes and whispers just loud enough for me to hear, "I don't want that to happen to you, Ro."

I hold my hands up in surprise. "Hold on, back up the noose caboose, there were Creativities before me and Remus?"

Patton nods and sucks in a breath before choking out, "Quite a lot of them. 3 ducked out, 20 died while fighting with each other, and tens more died here."

I pulled Patton into a hug as he cried and whispered, "I won't leave."

"I promise."

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So, that's what caused the earlier nightmares. Accidentally falling into the sea, getting pushed into it, and sometimes diving off the cliff on purpose, Thomas must've been so confused about them, especially when they started morphing into the recent ones, things concerning my crumbling ego and nobody loving me. It's probably for the best that I've ducked out for a bit.

Will it be temporary, though? If I get back, it's almost a guarantee I'll find a way to ruin everything all over again.

But I can't let Logan keep two jobs forever and suffer because of me. He'll be burnt out sooner or later and then we'll have a bigger problem.

Maybe I can just...

No. I'm not going to be replaced just yet, and who knows what will happen to Remus? If he gets hurt because of my mistakes, I don't think I could forgive myself. I need a non-fatal way to get rid of the nightmares, but I've tried everything. No food before bedtime, especially nothing spicy, healthy sleeping schedules, no alcohol, and every night I wake up in a cold sweat wanting to pull my hair out.

I shut my eyes tight in frustration,

And suddenly, I'm in the Imagination.

Not just anywhere in the Imagination. I'm in the garden. The roses are a bit wilted, and the stem of one of them is punctured but not completely cut off, just like my part in Thomas' mind. Apparently my grip on the gardening scissors wasn't strong enough.

"Why am I here?" I question out loud, but to my dismay, no one answers. Not that I was expecting anyone to. I try going back to my room, but to no avail.

"What the..."

Maybe I need to do something with the flowers, like one of those strategic mobile games. So I grab the gardening scissors like I did last time and cleanly cut the half-cut rose, my eyes closed tightly.

A strong pain reaches my chest, but when I open my eyes, I'm still in the garden.

More flowers lose their heads, until the concrete floor is covered in fallen bulbs.

My entire body is burning.

Why aren't I waking up?

Knock knock.

I finally snap out of it. Tired. So, so tired.

"Bro-bro, you good? Last I saw, you were boutta cry at the dinner table. Also, Patton's here, 'e's pretty worried about you also." I know it's Remus because no one else has that raspy voice, but I don't want to think about why he would start caring now. Even if I did, I can't. My eyelids seem so heavy. My limbs are 50-pound weights, slowly pulling me down. Moving my mouth is a task.

"Yeah, Ray, every-" I pause to catch my breath. "Everything's fine."

"Whadjya say?"

I crawl closer to the door, as I'm somehow on my hands and knees on the floor, and mumble, "I'm fine," through the crack in the door. It shouldn't be this difficult to move my tongue, to make sounds, but it is.

"Are you sure, kiddo?" A sweeter voice. Patton. "You seemed a bit upset after dinner." Nice observational skills.

"I'm fine, Patton. I'll see you tomorrow, mkay?"

Patton sighs, and I hear Remus grumble something before he winces and shuts up. Patton probably elbowed him. "Okay then. Have a good night, kiddo."

I hear two sets of footsteps fading, and once I'm sure they're both downstairs or in their rooms or anywhere but in my room's vicinity, I let myself fall to the ground.

Seconds later, I'm passed out from exhaustion.

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*A/N: if you don't understand the joke, I didn't either. Turns out Erlenmeyer is the last name of a brilliant scientist who has an experimental flask named after him. Roman is basically calling Logan the Walmart version of a great scientist, and I think that's hilarious.

Also, my Wattpad keeps saying "You've saved a newer version of this story part from somewhere else. Which one would you like to keep?" every 5 minutes, even though there was no chapter 5 before this. Was very fun to keep clicking no as I was trying to edit this chapter :D