Castles in the air

5.

Songs featured in this chapter: Yours by Chanyeol fr Raiden

"It's always the handsome men who break your heart", soo ah said as she was changing into her uniform. She slept over because THE THIRD PART OF TO ALL THE BOYS JUST DROPPED, we just had to have a movie night. Hee kyung couldn't join due to some personal reasons which she mentioned as "private", despite that it was a really fun day. "You can't just call any handsome guy rude...", "I know that you're referring to dongmin because moonbin is really rude and you don't know any other guys beside him, sad life", "HEYYYY THERE IS JINJIN AND MY FATHER" , "Non taken", we both giggled heading down to the main street.

Life has been pretty well the past days. More like butterflies and flowers, gardens and trees and just some beautiful bliss. I have been more stable and my goals seemed to be certain, my dreams seem so near... I have been thinking of doing some part time job and working as a librarian has been my ultimate dream. Each time i walked by the city hall library, I wouldn't help but wander inside. Oh the novels section... i could stay there forever.. The smell of newly printed books, the silence in that place, it's just telling me to get lost in my imagination... Books have always been my escape, and where they live is where i live.. I've always dreamt of lovey dovey scenes in libraries, i don't know but romanticizing libraries have been my only hobby...

(...)
"Are you joining us? We're going for dorebang(karaokee)", asked hee kyung. "No i have to go confirm my job application at the city center's library, sorry", "It's okay. Good luckkkk", "Good luckkk", they both cheered me up.

It's a Friday evening and it's almost sunset. My uniform is sweaty and my hair is getting greasy, sudden waves of depression are crippling in. There's nothing to be miserable of, but why do i feel an emptiness in my heart? It's as if my heart is wishing for gloominess all again, sometimes i am happy for no reasonable reasons, other times i am as sad as i could ever be, and for no explainable motives...
I walked into the hall and wandered for a bit, my plain leather bag is still heavy of books but I can't feel their weights, i just got carried away by the novels. I signed the confirmation letter and was informed that I'll start tomorrow. I just couldn't wait to go back home and tell jinin, mom and dad, they'll be so happy.
I sat on the sidewalk on our mini street walk, right in the pathway of our house. I just watched how the houses were arranged. No voices, no sounds it's just a killer silence that i am not used to. I've realized how too quiet i was today, I couldn't tell if it was a good feeling or not. I've been too distracted focusing on myself and my goals, i ended up pushing everyone away. I've been too distant and it shows, I don't want to be a person who wastes their teenage life on random stuff like boys and fun games, i wanna be successful and score higher grades, i want a secure future and a stable life.. but it's hard...
At the same time.. I don't want to be left out, I don't want to lose my teenage years for stress and overly hard work. I want to keep my life balanced, but i am too weak for it. I am a person who knows no balance, i either give in too much or leave out soo far..
At some times i wished i was a leaf, a tree, a fridge or a lamp, but it's too sorrowful. Yes these stuff can't feel the deep sadness and pain but they also can't feel the extreme joy and happiness.. Well i guess that's how life works, what you have, others may not...

"Hey there, Why so caught up?", moonbin spoke as he sat on that bench, besides me. "I don't know, everything arounds me seems so surreal", "How?" ,
"You might think i am crazy but.." , "I don't", he interferes. I giggle at his concerned face, as the wind blows my hair. The street lights reflected into my pupils and made them shine like it's the first time that i laughed in years. "Welllllll, I know you don't actually mean it and you DEFINITELY think that i am mad but imma let it slip this time", he continuous to stare at me with a smile unbothered.. "So explain, how's everything so sUrReAl?", "Okay listen up, whenever i think of something i just wouldn't help but rethink it. Like how everything comes with ups and downs and how there are advantages and disadvantages for everything. Look, you can want to be the richest, but not the centre of attention (as in popular), you'd want to be happy, but other times u may miss being sad...", "Gurl you crazy or something? I take that back you're definitely insane", moonbin snuggles at my thoughts, can't blame him though this is certainly uncertain....