Before you fall apart

Chapter 19

You hear the other’s sharp inhalations and risk a look at Harry who just stares at you, “What happened” asks Zayn quietly and looks at you pityingly. “They had an accident” you simply say and shrug your shoulders. Trying to pretend it doesn’t matter.

“How long ago was that?” asks Louis and looks at you suspiciously. It doesn’t seem to escape the fact that repressing is your way of dealing with it. “Doesn’t matter, does it? The only thing that matters now is that I’m here, that I’m still alive. I should have been sitting in this damned car with them. I was the reason why they were in the car” you simply say and don’t look at anyone anymore.

“What did you do to deal with your grief? Your arms suggest that you haven’t been in therapy even though you can’t handle it” Louis says straight out. “Maybe it’s just my way of dealing with it” you say annoyed and want to get up, but sway so much that Harry pulls you back onto the sofa. “Your way of dealing with it? That’s exactly what you don’t do” Louis says sharply, looking you straight into your eyes. It’s new for you that people confront you about it so directly, but basically you’ve talked to no one about it or no one just noticed. Still you notice that the confrontation makes you angry, which is why you stare at him angrily.

Just as you open your mouth to say something that you are sure he will absolutely not like, you hear Harry Louis hissing “You are going too far” and look at him in surprise. Somehow you forgot that everyone is here. “Do you want her to continue? You know exactly how this can end” Louis warns. The others just look at you worried, but as soon as you looking at them, they stare at the floor. “And you know this conversation won’t help her. It’ll only makes it worse” Harry replies and the two just glared at each other.

“Enough” you shout loud and free yourself from Harry to get up. You give both of them an annoyed look. “Stop talking about me like I’m not here. I’m old enough to know what I’m doing, just leave me alone”. With these words you leave the room swaying. As soon as you are in your room,  you lock the door and let your back sink against it before you slowly sliding down.

Two things that surprised you are that you made it into your room without falling, which was difficult and the other, that they just let you go. Not that you stayed with them but you would have thought, that they would continue to confront you. Great, you think and close your eyes while you lean your head against the door. The worst is not even that everyone has noticed, you worry more about how to look Harry in the eyes tomorrow....