CELLOPHANE- Ginny Weasley

chapter seven: not to me,

Therapy was not helping Danica Finch. Or, at least that was how she saw it. She had began putting on a facade around her family, whom she had welcomed into her life a few months after she'd began seeing Lila (Dr. Verne, her mind would correct). Her mind was still incredibly ill, riddled with terrifying thoughts and visions of her brother when things got especially bad. She had never mentioned him to Dr. Verne. It felt like a betrayal to talk about the fact that her brother still clung to her like a second skin, his face burned into her mind, glowing eyes and face and all. When she saw him she no longer felt afraid. She had merely come to some sort of sick acceptance at her current reality, and the increasing hostility of her brain. 

When Danica's parents came over for the first time after they'd had their big talk, her apartment seemed to reflect her state of mind. At that time, Danica was actually doing well. She had cleaned her apartment of the garbage, opened the windows and repainted a couple of the rooms. A fresh coat for her fresh mind. Her parents came over for a pleasant dinner, and a pleasant dinner was what they had received. Danica had stood in the kitchen, humming softly to the old rock station that was playing. Her mother wept in her father's arms for a good fifteen minutes, and then she complimented Danica endlessly on her lasagna. It reminded her of another time, another place where she could be happy with this life. That her brain wouldn't make her think about how many calories were in the piece of lasagna she was eating or the fact that she would be sticking two fingers down her throat after she was sure her parents had left. It reminded her of a place where her brain would be quiet for once, when it wouldn't try and hurt her so much. 

This was not that place. 

After throwing up three times, making sure her vomit was flushed down the toilet, the bowl then cleaned and Febreze was sprayed so that the stench stayed quiet, Danica called Ginny and asked how her night had been. Ginny had gone to see her family that evening too, and her brother George had been there for the first time in months, almost a year. She could hear Ginny's sweet, happy grin over the phone, the way that she smiled at Danica whenever she would tell her that she loved her. She savoured the moment, holding the phone close to her ear with both hands, breathing into the speaker long after she and Ginny had said their goodbyes. The dial tone made her feel less alone. Tears pricked her eyes, and she blinked quickly, one two three one two three, just like her brother had taught her when they were children. 

She held her arms tightly to her stomach, until she was no longer able to breathe and her brain went silent for two seconds. Danica loved to suffocate herself, it was a recent and unhealthy coping mechanism that she had hidden from Lila over the past weeks. The seconds where she would hold her breath and she would die for those little two seconds, and in those two seconds things would be better. It wasn't long that Danica would stay in her little escape, even though she always was left wanting more of it. She was addicted, desperate for her little releases from life.

Danica had sex with Ginny for the first time not long after that. She remembered feeling like she wasn't actually there. Like she was on the outside looking in, watching someone else trace every curve and contour of Ginny's body, like she wasn't the one moaning as Ginny's fingers travelled where no-one else's ever had before. Like she couldn't feel the pleasure and ecstasy of kissing Ginny, having her in her arms to hold and knowing that she would never love anyone else like she did Ginny. The girl who had tried so so hard to save her. The only person who had ever believed she was more than some washed up girl who couldn't recover from losing her brother. 

She remembered feeling like herself again when Ginny left the next morning. Danica locked herself in her bathroom and turned the tap for the bath to hot, and she sat in the boiling tub and cried for two hours, only stopping once she was sure there were no more tears left within her. Once she felt hollow. She had given Ginny everything now that they had had sex, given her all of her devotion and love. Ginny had peeled Danica's layers one by one, going deeper and deeper until she had exposed Danica's soul to her. And Danica let her, because what if Ginny would never do that again? What if this was the only time Danica would be able to feel Ginny like Ginny could feel Danica? For the first time Danica was bare, void. She wasn't sure that she liked the feeling. Ginny was the only thing that had made it okay, knowing that Ginny would never hurt her. Ginny would only hold her soul as long as Danica said it was okay. She would only hold her like that if Danica asked her to. Just like Danica would hold Ginny's soul for as long as she was allowed. Just as she would love her until she no longer could.

Over the next few days Danica made the amends she needed to make. Once she had seen her parents, seeing everyone else she used to know felt much less scary. Danica made all the necessary apologies. She apologized to her old friends, who'd never quite been mad at her, they just wanted to see her and know that she was alright now, which she wasn't. But she would tell them she was, and would propose to make plans to see each other, maybe soon? She called her aunts and uncles, people she hadn't spoken to in years, and while she'd never been close to them in the past, maybe she could reach out. Just to catch up. 

It would seem as though Danica was doing better. Her parents thought it, her friends had thought it, Ginny had told Danica directly to her face that she was doing better, phrasing as a question even though Danica knew the only acceptable answer was Yes, I am doing better. Much better. 

No one would see it coming, Danica thought. No one would see this downward spiral, no one would know that Danica was becoming a danger to herself. Things would carry on as usual, and Danica would try and fight herself out of this hole if she was able to. However, it was therein that lied the catch, the ultimate cruel truth that she had been avoiding for so long, covering up the fact with love and therapy and phone calls to people she hadn't seen in years. The horrible, heart-wrenching truth that would make Ginny hate Danica because she had given her everything without knowing all of Danica, and what Danica was actually able to offer her. The reality of what it is to have a poisoned mind, seeping with illness and eternal suffering.  The sad truth of your mind turning against you when you're born, and never relenting in it's profound cruelty. Pushing her towards what Danica saw as her ultimate fate. And wasn't it fate that had led her to fall in love? Wasn't it fate that had showed her what life could be like if she was able to beat the demons feasting on her mind? It would seem that just like the truth, fate was a cold, harsh reality.

And the burden of this desolating truth was that Danica did not have any fight left in her.