CELLOPHANE- Ginny Weasley

chapter eight: not if it's you.

Danica had dreamed of her own death more times than she could count. Her brain had always loved to find ways to torture herself, her mortal mind. She could always remember the dreams so vividly when she would wake, the cool feeling of a blade digging into her skin, the choking feeling of lying in a pool of her own vomit, an empty bottle of pills lying just out of reach. She remembered the raw rope dig at her skin as she clawed and her legs spun and kicked out, trying to find something stable. Danica was always searching for something to save her. In her dreams, she had never really wanted to die. Not in the way that Danica wanted to die in this very moment, because as Danica stared at the kitchen knife sitting on the cold bathroom floor, it seemed as though death was actually calling out her name. She sounded like Thomas, whispering her name softly, like a whispering wind.

Danica, Danica, Danica, Danica.

Danica was going to kill herself. She had known it this morning when she woke up in Ginny's arms, that familiar sinking feeling of her brain pulling her back down, down, into the depths of the abyss. Danica wouldn't be able to pull herself out of it this time, not when she had barely made it out before, and that was with Ginny's constant reassurance and help, and even then she had never really left, if she was honest with herself. Danica was just tired. So when she smiled at Ginny, and pressed a deep kiss to her lips, when she had tasted Ginny and all that she had to offer, Danica told Ginny that she loved her. 

"I love you." She had said, and Ginny's face had turned from one of bliss, to one filled with tenderness. Danica felt her chest ache. Would she get to see her face one more time? Would she deny herself another moment like this? Ginny stared at Danica, trying to read her eyes. She kissed her once more, softly whispering I love you between each feathery touch of their lips. Finally, Ginny pulled away.

"I love you too, Danica. I love you so much it hurts to breathe sometimes." Tears fall from Danica' eyes. She holds Ginny's hands in her own. 

"Thank you. Thank you so much Ginny. You saved me." Danica sobs now, her arms clutch at Ginny, praying that she knows what's going to happen, praying that Ginny would be able to swoop in and save Danica once again. 

"You saved yourself Danica. You're stronger than you know. You just needed a little push." Ginny rubs Danica's arms softly. "Now why are you crying, baby?"

Danica panics. Ginny can't know, Ginny can't know. "I just love you so much. I never thought I would get to feel this way and I just feel so lucky that I got to love you. You're my whole world, Ginny."

"I love you so much Dani. You've come so far. I'm so proud of you. You deserve so much in this life, and I can't wait to give it to you. My precious girlfriend." Ginny kisses her again. "Now, I love you and all but we have to get up soon. Works awaits me, as much as I wish it didn't." One more soft press of her lips against Danica's and she slips out of bed, and walks to the shower. Danica trails behind, and doesn't look into the mirrors. Ginny is far too much in love to notice.

Danica doesn't go into work that day. She pretends she is, gets ready with Ginny and puts on a nice outfit and pretty makeup. Ginny does her eyeliner. Danica pretends its for work, but she knows where this is going, what it's all leading up to.

This is Danica Finch's death march. A slow descent that will only end one way. And it will end today.

As Danica walks back to her apartment, the last time she will ever do so, she finds herself remembering, reminiscing. Was life always this hard? Was there a time where I wasn't like this, was there a time I was willing to live? 

The answers would be yes, and yes, when she'd met Ginny for the first time in that dingy little coffee shop they both loved so much, that all the baristas knew them there by name and order, and when they'd walk in, they would simply look at the pair of lovers and say "The usual?". Of course, they'd then laugh at their predictability and make a small comment on human nature and the they'd be swept away by the crowd lining up at the counter. 

On the walk home, Danica would note the trees shivering, naked, starkly contrasted against the clear blue of the sky. Winter would be coming soon, she would not get to live her fantasy of laying naked with Ginny in her bed drinking hot chocolate. She would never see her sweat covered forehead, small ginger baby hairs glued to her freckled skin. She would never again get to bring her fingers covered in Ginny to her mouth, swirl her tongue delicately around them and taste her as Ginny watched in fierce awe. 

She would miss Ginny the most. Even more than she missed Thomas. 

Danica almost tripped into oncoming traffic on the way home, when her boot caught in a dip in the road and her body threw itself onto the road. Danica had just gotten herself back up on the sidewalk before a car drove by, the driver leaning on the horn until Danica was long gone, one foot in front of the other, all the way back to her apartment.

...

Her apartment greeted her coldly. It was no longer warm and inviting, the facade she had put up for so long had finally slipped, the glass mask that covered up all that was wrong had finally shattered. Her apartment was not necessarily unclean, grime no longer covered the couches and chairs, and there was no dust on the bookcases. No bottles of booze laying around on the floor, no newspapers with vomit inside them because Danica couldn't be bothered to go to the bathroom. 

Danica visited every room in the small apartment. She cleaned vigorously, she didn't want her mother to have to pack. Even though she was exhausted by it by the end, everything Danica owned, which was actually not much, was now in boxes, labelled properly and neatly. She had cried going through her things, so much reminded her of Ginny, who she never wanted to leave. Not like this, not so... well, Danica had hoped she would be around for much more than she had been.

But she couldn't. Not anymore, not when it hurt so bad, not when every breath made her chest feel like it was caving in, when her muscles ached for relief that would never come, not while she was still breathing. The worst part, she thought, was the bone deep tiredness and sadness that had never eased, not once in her miserable life.

Danica wished she could get better. Not for herself, not anymore, but for her poor mother, who had already lost one of her children, for her father who hadn't allowed himself to cry since Thomas was buried. For her Ginny, her beautiful Ginny. Danica wanted to live for her the most. She wanted to be someone who deserved her love, but she always felt like she fell short. That was the problem. Danica wanted to live for other people. It would simply never work. 

So, Danica wrote two letters and placed them side by side on one of the boxes near the doorway, with the keys to the apartment dangling on the hook next to the door. 

She walked to her bathroom slowly, steadily. The one thing she hadn't packed? A sharp knife from her kitchen, small, glinting steel winked at her like they were sharing a joke only they knew.  Danica shuddered at Thomas' reflection in it. 

"See you soon." She whispered. 

Danica started the hot water in her bathtub. She waited until the water was brimming the top of the tub and then gently sat inside, clothes still on. She put on the radio, a Patsy Cline song whispered out of the speaker. One of Danica's favourites.

I've been so wrong, for so long

She hardly felt the kiss of the blade on her skin, or the blood gushing, gushing, gushing and turning her bath ruby red. 

Danica was dead by the time Ginny burst through the apartment door. 

I've been so wrong, for so long
I didn't know that I loved you so
I was wrong

And she was a long way past dead by the time the paramedics pulled her limp body from Ginny's grasp, Ginny screaming and crying and thrashing at anyone who got too close. 

If Danica had been alive, she might have looked at Ginny with her soft look of love and affection, caressed her cheek with a pale hand and whispered sorry, as she faded into the place one goes when they are no longer living. Patsy Cline plays on repeat.

I was so wrong, for so long
But I've seen the light and darlin' I'll make it right
I was wrong