Warrior

56

Leaning over to the water fountain besides the bench, I gulped down as much water as I needed to calm my beating heart and lungs. With that satisfaction fulfilled, I plopped myself back down on the bench and looked up towards the sky. Trees did obstruct my view, but it wasn't so bad. Birds were chirping around me, and the squirrels were running around and climbing trees, going on with their business.

As I gazed up at the sky and let the sounds of nature comfort me, I couldn't help but to think of last night. The nightmare is now long forgotten, especially since I can't even recall what had happened. Normally the details would stay with me for a day or so - sometimes even longer - but for whatever reason.... Sure, I know it  had something to do with him but other than that... I just no longer can remember any detail.

What I do remember is what happened between Arnav Singh Raizada and I last night - for the most part, at least. And those visions repeatedly played in my head, even the events of this morning. Part of me is absolutely fucking irritated that my brain is being so fucking stupid and annoying, but the rest of me....

I don't even know how to explain it.

I remembered the way I had felt Arnav's lips this morning with my fingers and... geez, why did I even-? But still.... I just wanted- no! For some reason, I just needed to know what they felt like and... and that's crazy right? Like absolutely crazy! Like what is this shit? What, just because he took such good care of me, I'm just melting into goo for him?

No! What the fuck-?! No!

NO!

This isn't a fucking movie where you just fall head over heels and go ga-ga goo-goo after one act of kindness - that's fucking bullshit! People should act with kindness no matter what!

...and yet still....

This is fucking nuts, honestly! This just... no it can't... I can't....

Sigh... why does shit have to be so fucking complicated for?

Putting my hands in the pockets of my zip up hoodie, I looked at a squirrel run by.

You've got it so easy, Mr. Squirrel. Be glad you're not a fucking human- great! Now I'm talking to a fucking squirrel! What's next? The fucking birds? Fucking Snow White ass, Aurora ass, princess ass.... At least you kept it in your damn mind!

Letting out an exasperated sigh, I put my hood on my head and leaned my head back, turning my attention back to the sky.

Even though I shouldn't just melt into putty because Arnav did one good deed, doesn't mean I shouldn't credit him. Well, okay, this isn't the first time, there were the other times as well. ...And I guess, episodes aside, he's always been.... I mean, remember the thing with the pani puri? Or even the wedding dress? Or even... wow... now that I think about it... he's just always been nice to me and... and he's always been there for me, supported me.

And the way he supported me last night, well... that was the best of them all, so far.

I can't help but to reflect over my one- plus-month marriage with Arnav, versus my last one. Unlike my last marriage, which had instantly started with discomfort on our first night, this one... well there wasn't any discomfort - not because of this marriage, at least. In my last marriage, I had to sleep besides him even though I wasn't comfortable, but just didn't know how to voice it. This time... well I didn't even have to say anything this time because Arnav beat me to it. Instead, this time, I was asked to sleep on the bed while Arnav slept on the floor.

It's sometimes so crazy realizing how there's these huge differences. Like I never made any indication of any interest towards him. Like the way I now freely wear what I want, not caring if I showed skin - I didn't do that when I was married to him because first of all, his family was too posh for that shit, and second, I just didn't feel so comfortable.