Warrior

65

It's been quite some time since I've woken up angry. I mean ever since the moment I woke up, my eyebrows have been knotted together, my nostrils flared.

Ugh! Who knew one disgusting word could fucking- don't Khushi! Don't.

Clearly since I'm still very much heated up, I decided that I would go out for a run. So I quickly washed up and got ready, putting on a black sports bra and leggings, and wore a light jacket over since it was slightly chilly. I pulled my hair back and put it up in a ponytail, then placed a black baseball cap over my head.

I may be fired up, but damn mama, I look good!

As I headed over to grab my phone, I noticed that the screen was dim. Picking it up, I saw a text from Arnav.

A: Good morning Khushi! Have a wonderful day 😊

Without another thought, I placed my phone in the pocket of my jacket, and headed out. No one else was in sight, most likely because they were sleeping in since it's the weekend. 

A run in the park seemed to be the best idea, so heading out of the mansion, I made my way there. I ran at a slow pace - jogging, basically - and continued to do so when I got to the park. As I jogged around, I didn't let a single thought process through my head. However, any time a hint of an idea tried to cross my mind, I immediately shut it down. Instead, I would try to distract myself by looking at the trees, or the birds - pretty much anything and everything around me that would keep me distracted, and sped up into a run.

It worked well for the most part and I did a pretty good job of it. But as I came running back around, I spotted the bench I had sat at the last time I came here for a run with Arnav. My mind instantly filled with images of that morning - particularly the image of sweaty-Arnav, whose muscles and tattoos were glistening. At the time, I was shocked by how hard he had worked out... only to later find out that he was trying to punish himself for thinking he had-

No Khushi, stop it! Stop it!!! You're supposed to have your head clear! Focus on your run! Focus!!!

But my mind only stayed clear for another moment more as I ran once more, it filling up with memories again when I spotted the picnic table Arnav and I had sat at the first we came here, just after I had agreed to marry him. I couldn't help but to remember Arnav in his beige hoodie, partially covering his head with his hood, not to mention his black jeans. It was definitely the complete opposite of his CEO image, but his casualness is something I have been seeing since being married to him. I also couldn't help but to remember the way we had sat on the table and spoken.

Damn it! I was supposed to keep a fucking clear head! Not go down memory lane! And yet- ugh! What the fuck?!

No really, what the fuck? Because despite thinking the way that I am, I find myself going to the table and sitting down where I had months ago. As I sat there, the memory of Arnav holding my hand, flooded my mind. He had held his hand out to make his promise to me, and I had placed mine in his, sealing it. 

And then he kissed it.

An old feeling reemerged - the lingering feeling on my hand where he had once kissed me. Even though its been so long, the feeling was still very much the same - as if he had just kissed it.

No, no, no! Why am I thinking this way? I can't! I can't keep doing this, I just can't fucking-! This needs to stop! I don't understand how I can still possibly be-! My mind is so fucked up and I... I... I can't take it!

Why does this keep happening to me? Why can't I have peace? Haven't I dealt with enough? Haven't I dealt with enough pain and sorrow after nearly being raped? Haven't I dealt with enough after all of the insults and humiliation that I have had to face no thanks to society? I mean why do I have to keep dealing with this? It's just not fucking fair! I deserve some peace! I deserve to not have to have a boggled mind! I deserve... I deserve....

I don't deserve anything. For whatever reason, I'm cursed. I guess I'll never have peace, I guess I'll never have solace, I guess....

I guess I'll never have happiness.

Ironic, though, isn't it? To have a name that means happiness, and yet having none of it?

What a joke... what a fucking joke!

...I don't know what to do anymore. All these complicated thoughts and feelings.... I just don't know what to think anymore. I don't.... Why does it have to be so hard? Why does my life have to be so damn hard for? Why did I have to face any of the hardships that I did? Why...

Why was I almost raped?

My eyes started to sting from tears, so I laid back on the table and stared up at the sky, forcing my tears away.

I didn't ask for this. I never asked for any of this! I know I make fun of Payal for being a sappy romantic, but the truth is, even I was like that when I was younger. When I was younger, I had hoped that my knight in shining armor would appear and whisk me away like they did in the fairy tales. 

But all I got was the villain coming in disguise and destroying my life... destroying me.

I was such a fool. I was such a fucking fool in my younger years. For fuck's sake, I was a fool up until I got married to him! And now... well, I'm still a joke. I mean the fact that I was once that way, thinking of love in that sappy bullshit way, I mean what a joke!

What a fucking joke!

I'm such a fucking joke! A fucking moron! A fucking imbecile!

I'm an idiot.

Sigh.... I need to stop all of this nonsense. I need to stop thinking the way that I do with Arnav... Singh Raizada. Arnav Singh Raizada is nothing more than a protector. He has the power and the money to keep me perfectly safe, and that is all that matters. He gets his ten percent from Rupam in return, it's a transaction, we're all good! It needs to be nothing more than that, keep that in your fucking head - it needs to be nothing more than that! ...it can't be anything more than that.

It just can't.

I feel my phone buzz in my pocket, so I took it out and see that Arnav has snapped me. Unlocking my phone and going to it, I tapped on it to see a selfie of Arnav with his left arm over his head, captioning it I hate jetlag 😩😴.

A scoff escaped my lips as I looked away from my phone.

I love how I said all of those things to myself, and yet... and yet I didn't even stop to think for a second, instead quickly going to see his snap. I mean.... scheisse! 

Why am I doing this? Why am I-? Just stop, Khushi. Please, just stop. Please!

Please!

I can't... just... no.

No.

~

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