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𝚇𝚇𝚅𝙸𝙸𝙸 >> 𝚃𝙾 𝙳𝙸𝚂𝙱𝙰𝙽𝙳 𝙰𝙽𝙳 𝚄𝙽𝚁𝙰𝚅𝙴𝙻

< 2 MONTHS, 3 WEEKS, 1 DAY >

Little Severus did not know many things about the real world outside of books and words, but he knew that he liked the first stages of autumn, anterior to the wind being too cold to go outside and posterior to the sun being too hot for it. He always was one for the in-betweens; the unsures. This gave him at least an assumed sense of droit, not only for self-fluidity but for safety withal. He could not be trapped inside any box, nor any house with his father. And that was fine for him.

He liked autumn for other reasons as well. It was before his birthday, for one, and it was around this time that Eileen would begin to collect money in a jar hidden up in a cupboard he couldn't reach and Tobias didn't look for, saving up for a gift to give him. Severus would always try to guess what it was before it was even bought, but Eileen would always tell him to test his theories on the day rather than before it.

"Is it a pen?" Severus would guess as Eileen opened the cupboard and stepped up on a stool.

"Don't wear yourself out, Sevie, love," Eileen would reply. "There isn't even snow yet, yeah? Give yourself a rest now." And then she would drop a one-pound note in there and close the door. Although sometimes she had to buy food and could only put in a coin or two. Severus did not mind. He just wanted a gift to begin with.

He also liked the colors of autumn — another reason he found the season so immeasurably eloquent. He decided they looked very nice against the shades and hues of Lily's robes. Hers matched much better because they were the colors of the leaves while Severus' were the color of the summer grass, but he didn't matter because he was wearing those and therefore did not have to look at them nor notice them clashing.

He told her about his imaginary friends when he was still young enough to have them. She thought it was a good idea to be friends with them and named one of the wolves Artemis, because Severus had talked about that name from one of the books he was reading. And then they would run out through whatever hills they could find, anxious to go to school so they could never reach the end of nature, always on a trail of only what was green and good and never what was teeming or inhabited or full of alleys.

They would always look forward to going to school, even in later years when the childhood magic was lost and Severus would be pushed around by the boys. Even when James taunted him and kicked him and flew him up into the air, anything was better than home. Of course there were presumptions that Potter was always worse; after all, Severus outwardly despised him and never spoke an ill statement of his father to that degree. But the presumptions never succeeded to cover the idea that perhaps Snape despised Potter because it was safe to. He wouldn't get whipped for that. He could say it to his face and he could come out with fewer than three bruises each time, and that was the one contrariety between them.

He always wanted to catch James alone, though, so they could settle things fair and square, one-to-one without others butting in to help. He wanted to catch him alone so he really could say it, so he could speak every insult that had ever crossed his mind. But the Marauders made an effort to stay together around Severus. He ultimately came to the conclusion that they were scared of what he would do to any of them on their own without aid. They knew of his potential and his academic credentials. They knew how he was with a wand.

So it never happened. Severus only grew older in waiting, but the moment of seeing James on his own never arrived. Not until he was dead, of course, but it was only his body there; not him.

Joining the side of Voldemort was the best way Severus could get back at his past. He was desirous for the essence of being significant, to be valued and wanted. He was desperate to terrify his demons more than they terrified him, just as he was desperate not to become them. He took every path that James Potter didn't — he didn't marry, didn't refuse darkness when it presented itself, didn't fear the strong — and he stuck to old acquaintances in hopes that they might become his friends. The Malfoys and the Blacks became his only social links at all. He spent many nights drinking whiskey with Lucius in his unwieldy sitting room, Snape's new mark burning on his skin. But time with Lucius was always impassive, always heavy on tenuity. Time with Narcissa was apprehensive and dry. Time with Bellatrix made him want to fatally throw himself out of a window and take her with him.