𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐐𝐮𝐞𝐞𝐧'𝐬 𝐆𝐚𝐦𝐛𝐢𝐭 ♕From Beth the Eyes of Beth Harmon

XVI - Numbness

Episode 4

Middle Game

Part 4

Mexico City, 1966

Numbness

♕♛♕♛♕♛

"I'm sorry." He said. I sat in an armchair, facing away from the bed. I couldn't bear to see them take Alma away. I folded my knees into my chest and wrapped a blanket loosely around them. My heart was in pieces, yet not a single tear fell from my eyes.

"What was it?"

"Hepatitis, possibly. We will know tomorrow."

Alma. My true mother. She is gone too early. Just a few more years, just enough time to see me become world champion is all I needed. Things were just getting good, I was so close to making it there. I was almost at the finish line, and now Alma is gone, and I don't know if I'll be able to finish the race by myself. 

I am left with no resources. No family. No one to care for me. No shoulders to cry on except my own. No parents, no more Mr. Shaibel, and no more Jolene. I will probably never see them again. They, along with Alma, are nothing but a memory now. 

I should've known that things were too good to be true, I should've known that happiness only lasts so long. Why did I have to be so naïve to think that happiness would miraculously become abundant for me. 

I just wish that Alma didn't go out wishing she had a better daughter. I hope that I provided everything for her, because she certainly did for me. I know I wasn't perfect, and chess consumes my life more than anything else, and because of that I hope she wasn't wishing for a daughter who did more daughterly things. I hope that I was enough for her, because she was more than enough for me.

I thought I was finally out of the darkness. Spending these last few years with Alma helped me realize that I don't have to live in the terror of my childhood. She helped me realize that I don't have to marinate in the trauma of my mom's death, or Methuen. 

These past few years, Alma was my green pills. She helped me get away from it all. She helped me see that light when I forgot how to see it myself. I haven't touched one of those things since Las Vegas. But right about now, in these painful moments where I felt like just by sitting here in misery and grief I might die from being trapped inside with no way out, I needed the numbness.

"Could you give me a tranquilizer?" I said weakly.

"Yes, I have a sedative."

"I don't want a sedative. Could I have a prescription for Librium?" I finally looked up at the man. I had been staring blankly at the floor this whole time.

He nodded hesitantly. "You don't need a prescription to buy Librium here in Mexico. I suggest Meprobamate. There's a farmacia right here in the hotel. Again, I'm very sorry for your loss." and with that he strode away in his brown suit and suitcase.

"Allow us to help you with any arrangements. Signing papers, dealing with authorities. And, of course the bill will be taken care of." Another man in a brown suit assured.

"Thank you." Were the only words I found.

"Including the liquor bill, which— was significant." I wanted to be mad at him for saying that, but I was also sad that unfortunately the booze was probably a main contributor to her death. Instead, all the energy I had to do was sigh.