⇾ 𝐒𝐈𝐍𝐂𝐄 𝐈'𝐕𝐄 𝐁𝐄𝐄𝐍 𝐋𝐎𝐕𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐘𝐎𝐔 | 𝐉𝐨𝐡𝐧 𝐁𝐨𝐧𝐡𝐚𝐦

| N I N E T E E N |

Dᴇᴄᴇᴍʙᴇʀ 31, 2019

The birds chirped a little quieter, the clouds hung a little lower, and the days passed a lot slower. The months had faded into winter, the weather was growing gloomier, and the year was wrapping up finally. It had been hell. I was ready to leave it behind.

I still missed him. I still could barely even look at pictures of him. My Led Zeppelin posters were rolled up in the closet, my Led Zeppelin CDs were hidden, I barely ever listened to my Led Zeppelin records anymore, my Led Zeppelin shirts were hanging in the closet, my Led Zeppelin books were gathering dust on the top shelf. Sometimes it even hurt to just look at my drum set.

Even though I'd hidden it all, everything still reminded me of him. The pillows he had slept on were now washed and back on my bed. They didn't smell like him anymore. Hadn't for quite some time, but I could still picture him lying on them. The blankets he'd used were folded back in the closet, also washed, but I couldn't use them anymore. I could picture him sitting in front of my turntable, listening to Led Zeppelin I before he knew that he was supposed to be the drummer. I could still feel him lying behind me the night he'd left me behind. I could still feel his kiss on my lips the night I'd left him behind.

I never talked about it. Apparently, time hadn't stopped here while I went back in time. I'd been missing for almost four days. When I showed back up and told my parents I'd been staying with Cora and Danny, they grounded me.

Connie, Cora, and Danny asked about it a lot. They'd been trying hard over the past six months to get me to talk, but I refused. It hurt my heart and my head to think about it. God only knows what it would do if I tried to recall it in detail to them. At least I could leave my bed now.

For a while, I hadn't wanted to do anything. I didn't want to play music, I didn't want to listen to music, I didn't want to talk to anyone, I didn't want to pick up a book or a pencil or even food. I just wanted to rot away in my own bed, hoping one day I'd finally be relieved of the pain, but that day didn't come. I took freezing cold showers that numbed my body, hoping they'd slow my thoughts, but it didn't work.

By the time school started back again, I was stable again. I could smile again. I could laugh. The band and I played some shows over the summer. We practiced a lot. I sat down in the basement for hours, mastering John's drumming on any track I could think of. It was perhaps one of the only times I listened to Led Zeppelin anymore. My arms would finally go numb after a while and I'd have to stop. Then, I'd go lay in bed and feel sorry for myself all over again. I was fine one minute, breaking down the next, and no one around me knew why. My parents got worried. They offered to send me to therapy, but I declined profusely. I didn't need therapy. I needed John.

But he wasn't here. In this world, he was dead. Had been for almost forty years. I doubted he even remembered me by the time he died, but maybe he did. Maybe I found myself holding onto a little sliver of hope that he did because of not then it would be completely one-sided.

Not a day went by where I didn't miss him, where I didn't think about him. I dreamt about him at night and played his music with the band during the day.

There was constantly a hole in my heart. A hole that he once filled, but now he didn't. I felt alone as Connie, Cora, Danny and I all gathered around to watch the ball drop. They all had boys to fill their time now, but I didn't. I was the only one out of the group alone tonight and every night. All I could do was smile and pretend I was okay even though I wasn't. It was my own fault anyways. I ignored everyone who tried to talk to me if I didn't already know them. I blocked them out and threw away every opportunity I had to get myself a boyfriend. I was too busy feeling sorry for myself. I hated myself for it, but it was a habit I couldn't seem to shake. I was in too deep now.

I listened as everyone in the room around me began to count down.

How could I make this new year better than this last year? I needed to wake the hell up. It was time to put John behind me. It was going to be hard to do, admittedly, but I couldn't keep living like this. I was so depressed. I needed to help myself. I needed to find something that would make me happy.

3...

I needed to forget, but I didn't want to.

I needed to face the truth, but I didn't want to do that either.

John was never coming back. I needed to face that.

2...

I held my breath, but didn't count down with everyone else. I closed my eyes. I needed to focus myself. I needed to turn my mind off for just two seconds while we brought in the New Year. This was supposed to be a happy time, but it was proving to be quite difficult for me. I needed to leave John behind. I needed to move on with my life. My grieving period was long gone. It was just ridiculous at this point.

1...

I looked around at the people in the room around me. They were so happy. They were wearing little plastic and glittery hats, holding onto the ones they loved, ready for that midnight kiss, and I was standing here, alone, and it was all my fault. I was going to fix that. This was the year. My year.

Happy New Year!