Trigger warnings# childhood trauma#violence#unhealthy coping# more of a vent fanfic#Verbal abuse
She sat at her desk, scribbling down some last minute notes before the thoughts vanished. Poetry. A great coping tool for those who can't vocalize what's hurting them. Hand hurting from how tightly she's been gripping the pen, hunched over and tugging lightly at her hair in an attempt to ground themselves. The music in the background subconsciously fueling the dark cloud suffocating her, but she doesn't turn it off. "Let it hurt..." She mumbled to herself, trying to let things go rather than continue their build up. There's chatter in the background, family and friends just having a conversation less than 8 feet away. She wished she could join them but had no clue how to hold a conversation and keep up with others. " This is why I don't come out of my room. " She stated passive aggressively, getting up to return to it. Tossing her notebook aside, irritated from overstimulation and irritated with herself. There was no reason to be hateful and she knew that, unfortunately she couldn't figure out how to stop herself without everyone else stopping their daily routine. Laying in bed now, staring at the wall until the door opened, revealing her brother. " We're about to smoke a bowl before dinner, you hungry?"
She mentally cringed, hearing the first half. Sure, smoking was something she enjoyed on occasion, but it was expensive and hurt. Work was becoming too much and so she was smoking more than normal, but prices made more work inevitable. She spaced off, already dreading next pay day, knowing over half wasn't going to be towards anything productive. " Hey Kate, hungry?" They asked again. " Fuck no, why are you in here anyway? I didn't say you could come in. " She snapped, sitting up. Her brother flinched but said nothing more than"okay" before closing the door. She grit her teeth, angry with his submission. Obviously he hadn't forgotten or he wouldn't have jumped, but why was everyone pretending nothing happened? Life was so much better now, he was calmer, the others were happier, why did she miss fighting so much? She didn't like being scared, angry, or helpless but she didn't know how to accept being happy for once. It was out of her element and uncomfortable. Laying back down, wrapping herself in blankets to shield herself. Silently begging herself to either fall asleep or become magically tolerable so the she wouldn't have to deal with the stares or silence that comes from her entry, she began to cry. Out of everything the people who raised them made her fear, she never thought she'd have to be scared of herself and what she'd do to others. Becoming her mother was a fate worse than death in her eyes, but it's where things are going by the looks of it. "Everything is better now, why can't I be? " She asked herself , thinking back to how everyone treated her when she was happy. It wasn't much better, honestly. They actually worried about her when she was being positive, thinking she had gotten into drugs like her mother. She was lazy for staying in her room all the time but something had to be wrong with her if she was anywhere else.
