The Way I Am (DreamNotFound)

28

TW's:
-Self harm (mentions blood, cuts)
-Mentions everything that happened

Clay's POV

I started crying really loudly as I locked myself in the bathroom. I was really sad and I didn't know what to do anymore. I honestly didn't care about anything in my life anymore and as soon as I saw a razor in the shower, I grabbed it. I broke the razor to get the blade out and I pulled off my shirt.

I looked at myself in the mirror in disgust. I hated myself, I hated my body, I hated everything about myself. I put the blade on my skin and started slowly cutting my belly and arms completely open. It felt some blood drip down and I felt some sort of relief. George didn't care about me at all, I deserved this. I just should have never came out.

I kept cutting and made five cuts for each reason I could come up with.

'For being ugly, for being too thin, for being annoying, for having anger issues, for being gay,' I kept going.

I suddenly heard footsteps on the stairs and I startled.

'Yeah, I'll go to the toilet real quick,' I heard George say.

My eyes got big and I didn't know what to do, I heard George trying to open the door, but it was locked.

'Who is in here?'

I said nothing and I stared at all cuts in my arms and belly. I really had no idea how to ever explain this.

'Clay? Are you in here? Are you okay?'

I heard more footsteps now, it was Sapnap. 'What's wrong?' he asked George.

'I think Clay locked himself in there.'

'Clay, can you open the door?'

'WHY?' I now screamed at them. 'Why aren't you guys just making out or anything, I got replaced as soon as I broke up with you.'

'Excuse me?' George asked confused. 'He's not even close to my boyfriend, he's just my friend and he helped me today when I was crying about you.'

'You were laughing, you don't seem sad at all.'

'I have had to distract them the whole day,' Sapnap said. 'They were crying the whole time.'

'Clay, please let me come in.'

'Uh- no. That will not be possible.'

'Well, I'm going to be sitting here in front of the door just as long as it takes you to let me come in.'

'No, uh- you can't come in.'

'I'll get something to open the door then, because you're worrying me a lot now.'

'Only you can come in. I don't want Sapnap to see this.'

'That's fine, I'll go to George's room.'

I heard him walk away and I stood up slowly. 'Promise me you won't get mad.'

'Fine, I'll promise.'

'Really?'

'Yes, Clay. I promise.'

I slowly opened the door and George pushed it open. Their eyes widened and they seemed to startle really badly, but they managed to recover from it and George smiled at me.

'Come, sit down.'

I nodded slowly and George grabbed a towel, pouring some water on it. They started dabbing my cuts really carefully and their other hand rubbed through my hair.

'I'm sorry,' I whispered.

'I'm not mad at you, Clay,' George said while dabbing my wounds softly and gently. They smiled softly at me and they kissed my forehead. 'Why did you do this to yourself?'

'I felt so bad,' I whispered.

'Aww, Clay,' George hugged me shortly and smiled. 'I'm going to get some bandages, try and sit still. I know that's hard with your ADHD, but I don't want the wounds to start bleeding again.'

I nodded slowly and tapped my feet a little on the ground. 'Is that okay?'

George nodded as they walked downstairs to grab some bandages. I honestly loved George taking care of me, they were so sweet and gentle, I still loved George a lot.

George came back a few minutes later and they kneeled down in front of me, wrapping my arms and stomach in with bandage. They smiled at me and I blushed slightly. George stared at me for a minute and we both started smiling.

'You know, Clay. If you ever want me back,' George started. 'I'm still in love with you.'

They grabbed my shirt and I put it on.

'I'm still in love with you too,' I whispered. 'But it's so difficult for me, it actually is.'

'I understand, Clay. It was really hard for me too, but it will get better as soon as YOU start accepting yourself.'

'Uh- George? Can I ask you something? I'm sorry if this is random and you don't want to anymore, but well uh- do you uh- want to be my boyfriend again?'

George smiled brightly and nodded heavily. 'Of course, Clay. I love you.'

'I'm so sorry for being such a pussy, I just really don't dare to be myself.'

George hugged me tightly and they kissed my neck. 'I still love you and I will forever. We don't have to tell this to anyone, okay? We can just keep all hugging and kissing for when we are together.'

I smiled shyly and George pressed their lips shortly on mine. 'I still love you.'

'Do you uh- like Sapnap?'

George smiled and giggled softly after. 'Not at all, only as friends. I'm in love with you. He came to me when I was crying and comforted me. Then he asked if he could over so I could paint his nails, he wants to show everyone that wearing nail polish as a boy is normal.'

'Are you also going to kiss him just as we did?'

'No, absolutely not. I might kiss you though,' George giggled, pressing their lips on mine.

'I'm sorry for sounding jealous, I just thought you liked him when you came in with him laughing and you ignored me.'

'I'm sorry for ignoring you, but you broke up with me so I just didn't really want to talk for a little, I was just very sad.'

I smiled. 'I'm sorry.'

'It's totally fine and I do understand you fully. Now, do you want to come to my room?'

I nodded. 'Can I have a hoodie maybe?'

'They might be a little small, but I'll look for the biggest one I have,' George said, kissing me shortly after.

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