i slept | jaeyong

first poem

t e n

I sent him a message inviting him to meet me at our favorite cafe near out old university. I still have faith in him because why shouldn't I?

But deep inside, the weak side of Jaehyun is showing up. The weak side in me. What if he won't show up? I said I had a faith in him but.. what if fate doesn't want to? Just like what happened before.

I texted him that he needed to be there at 1 p.m., but he had no idea that I had been here since 11:30 a.m. My thoughts are scattered, with:  What if he left that letter for me? If that letter is his goodbye letter, what does that mean? What if that poem is the first and last poem he ever writes for me? — My hurtful thoughts didn't stop me from crying.

Why is it always like this? If the universe hates me, then don't hurt Taeyong as well.

Due to my deep thoughts, seeing Taeyong walking into me carefully isn't helping at all. Why am I imagining things? But why does my imaginatiom feels like reality? Taeyong with dark eyebags, dry lips, puffy and red eyes, disheveled hair, and petite body. When did my Taeyong turn like this?

But yet, it wasn't imagination at all. I felt relieved and hurt at the same time, if my imagination wasn't real, I would see my healthy Taeyong, the one who doesn't have any dark eyebags, the one who has soft lips, the one whose eyes are always smiling. Why did you let yourself like this, Taeyong-ah?

"Aw!" I exclaimed as I pinched myself. And then, he burst out laughing. Here you go, the smiling eyes and the genuine happiness I missed from him. I've missed my home.

But that laugh, too, quickly turned to tears. He slowly caressed my face and said, "I'm sorry, love." I can't speak but you shouldn't be, Taeyong. "I reasoned that leaving quietly would be preferable and easier. I found it very difficult, Jaehyun-ah. Knowing that we can be turned into ashes as a result of this nonsense second life." And he stopped, "Nevertheless, if we would turn into ashes, I'd prefer it with you. Through thick and thin, love. Sorry."

I carefully hugged him as I saw the tears from his eyes.

The comfort from the words he has said turned into pain. I remember it all; everything. You have no idea how much harder it is for me as well. You don't know yet, and I'm not going to tell you because I don't want to hurt you. I'd rather hurt myself than hurt you, so I kept it to myself. Nonetheless, I said, "It's fine, Taeyong-ah. I deeply understand, hmm? I love you."

And knowing that we're alright now,
I wanted to stay like this forever.

I want to stay with you, my home.