Battle Field

Twenty One

I was sitting by the window in the living room, staring out into the street of Victors Village. I still had my crutches but soon I'd be in a boot to walk with. It's been weeks since we all went home and I haven't heard anything from the others. Not even Katniss or Peeta. I guess it's just how things were meant to be. Even with Annie and Finnick married, they wanted me to live with them. They said they wanted my company and it would be nice to have me around. But i can't help but feel like they think I'm a danger to myself. Coming home brought more nightmares, that i was used to and it was easier to get through than before, but I started having worse panic attacks and depressive thoughts. Why was I still alive when things would work perfectly fine without me? Why did I have to be held with Peeta and started to feel the way I did? Why did the small amount of conversations make me feel so strong towards Katniss? I was just a waste of time and space.
"Hey." I turn to see Finnick in the entrance of the living room. I give a small smile, "Hi." I reply as he makes his way in front of me, leaning against the window frame. For a moment we were both just looking outside the window. The war was over, but it still was difficult to stay comfortable. "Whatcha thinking about?" He asks. I look up at him to notice he had been looking back at me. "Nothing much? Just wondering how everyone is doing." I say taking my view off of him and onto the street again. "You're upset." He points out. "Well thank you Captain Obvious." I sigh bringing my right leg up to my chest. Finnick puts his back against the window frame and crosses his arms. "Well I got you a small gift in the other room..But if you're too upset I can just.."
"A gift?" I shoot back. "Come on." He smiles. He grabs my arm and helps me up. He hands me my crutches and leads me upstairs into his room. Annie was there with a small box. She lets out a big beaming smile. "For me?" I ask. "More for you to open." Finnick says. I walk over and take the box from Annie. I open to see a small strip. I look closer and it showed a positive sign. I spin around with my hand over my mouth, "Shut up!" I let out. They were both holding each other and smiling. "Just found out last night." Annie smiles. I drop the box and my crutches and give her a hug, "This is the best news I've ever heard!" I say in her ear. I look at Finnick while hugging Annie, "I'm going to be an Aunt." I laugh. "Yes you are."

++

I wake up to a faint knocking at our door. I stay in bed to hear the door opened and some small chattering. I get up quickly and throw on my silk black robe over my pajamas. I tiptoe carefully with my new boot to the top of the steps to see Finnick talking to someone out of the front door. "I don't know if I should let that happen. For Harmony's sake." He says seriously. "I apologize for never reaching out.." It was them..
"For over a month. Do you know how upset and confused she's been after all this time?" Finnick defends me. I walk to the bottom of the stairs still unnoticed by Finnick. "I just want to talk to her and explain myself." They say. I walk closer to Finnick and he finally noticed when I tug on the door to open more and show myself. "Hello, Peeta." I say to him looking directly into his eyes. I start to walk out on the patio with him, "Harmony.." Finnick tried to intervene. He knows how upset I've been from this but I wanted to have an explanation. "It's ok. I'll be fine." I give a small smile. He holds back and lets me outside with Peeta. I stand on one side of the entrance while he was on the other. "How's 12?" I ask with my arms crossed. "It's fine." He just says. I nod and look outwards. "Harmony..I.."
"Why didn't you write?" I ask looking back. "I didn't know what to do. I was caught up in figuring out where I stood with Katniss, Katniss is grieving her sister so I was there to help.."
"Ok." I interrupted. I couldn't help but feel forgotten. Uncared about. But also like I was selfish for thinking that way given the circumstances he had. I already hated myself. "I wanted to reach out but things happened and I remembered who Katniss was.." He says. Tears start to well up in my eyes. "So things are how it's supposed to be." I say still staring out into the street. "Harmony..I.."
"I think you should go." I interrupt and look straight at him. He looked guilty but remorseful. He froze just staring back at me, who had a stern face, tears in her eyes, and wouldn't let go of eye contact. "Please." I whisper to keep my voice from cracking. He steps down the stairs of the patio but turns back at the end. "I'll always have love for you Harmony." He says to me. I had no words and just felt like it was all a lie. I didn't want to say anything to make it escalate more than where it already was. I just turn to my door and close it behind me. "What happened?" I look to see Finnick in the kitchen. "They're doing great." I shrug with a tear finally falling from my eye. I felt broken. I felt lost. I felt betrayed. It wasn't even my place to meddle. I was the one of of place. I was the one who betrayed. I was the mutt.
I couldn't control my thoughts of breathing. I fall to the ground trying to calm my breathing. Too many thoughts, I couldn't help but hit my head to try to stop myself. Finnick had rushed over and sat behind me to hold me with my arms crossed over my chest. I felt this anger and fear I once felt before in the beginning of the serum in my system. I tried to flail out of his grasp but he crossed his legs over mine too. "Please Let Go!" I shout. "Harmony, You're ok. You're safe. You're fine." He says in my ear while I still struggled. I was bawling as Finnick gently rocked me side to side. "I'm a mutt! You're not even safe!" I let out. "You're fine. You won't do anything. We're ok. You're safe, Harmony. I'm safe. Annie's safe." He starts to repeat in a calm voice. I slowly stop struggling and let myself relax and just start to cry. Finnick let's go and moves to be in front of me. "We're all ok."

++

Weeks went by where I didn't want to go anywhere, do anything. Some time went by and I finally got my boot off for good. It took time to get comfortable walking more than before but I got there eventually. Finally I volunteered myself to get food from town. I told Finnick I'd go after I spent some time at the beach. Some time for myself. I packed myself a small back of clean clothes and a towel. "You sure you're up to it?" I hear Finnick in my doorway. "I just want to have some alone time. At the one place I love other than home." I say closing my bag and putt it it over my shoulder. I turn to see him. "Well, here's the list of things we need and here's some extra money." He hands me the small slip of paper and a a small envelope of money. I slip both into the side pocket of my bag. "I'll be back in time to make dinner." I say making my way around him and down the stairs to the door to slip on my shoes. "I really do want you to be careful out there. Especially with your stitches don't do anything crazy." He says. "Of course, when have I ever?" I ask standing myself up. He gives me a hug and a hug him back. "See you later Flounder. Love you!" I say making my way out.
It wasn't much of a walk from our house to the beach, I would have to spend some time making my way into town after through. I changed my mind about swimming and just lay my towel down on the sand and sit. The sound of waves crashing was calming and comforting. One of the things that reminded me of home. I was upset with myself after the past few months. I hated being the one needing the help instead of giving the help. Peeta and Katniss had wrote to me separately. Peeta apologized once again and explained how he truly felt about me. He felt stuck between a rock and a hard surface. He loved me but Katniss needed him. Katniss explained she regretted kissing me and apologized for the confusion. I missed Peeta. I missed Haymitch. I missed my old self. I hear a click from behind me. My hairs stood up and I froze. I was scared to look behind be but before I could slowly turn, a gunshot filled the air.