The Break-up Journey

A Long Time Coming

You walked inside the room with that blank face you usually wear when we have some petty argument. I paused the video I was watching and stood up to give you a hug. But you just walked past me and went straight to your room. I called out but you didn't stop so I followed you.

You were sitting by the edge of the bed, staring at our drawer. I know that look. I've seen that look before. I immediately knelt in front of you and asked you what's wrong. I tried to hold your hands but you pulled away and went to the washroom, locking the door behind you. I was getting confused.

I knocked and knocked but you didn't answer. I pressed my ear against the door and pleaded for you to let me in. No response. But I can hear your soft whimpers. I can hear pain from your continuous sobbing. I felt helpless and banged louder at the door. Still no response.

After a few minutes, you went silent. I was trying to listen but all I can hear were the occasional sniffs. What's wrong, I asked. Nothing, you said. Let me in, I begged. Go away, you said. I apologized, even if I didn't know what I did wrong. It has been a habit, every time I feel there's something wrong, I tend to apologize first. What are you apologizing for, you asked. I don't know, I thought. Then I heard you crying again.

We went on like this for another thirty minutes. The last time you settled down, you told me you're opening the door and I should get out of the way. I walked to the bed and waited for you to come out. When you did, you were wearing that poker face again. You went straight to the drawer and started pulling out your clothes. I panicked and tried to stop you but you were pushing me away. You took your luggage under the bed and started to dump all your clothes inside. I saw how your face switched from apathy to anger and I knew that this was it.

I walked back near the washroom and just sat by the door, silently watching you empty the drawers and piling them up in your luggage. I've been trying to hold back the tears but now, they all came rushing and I let them quietly drown me while I rocked back and forth, trying to calm myself down.

Past arguments flashed before me. All the shouting, the patching up, then more shouting. I tried to plead my case, that we can make it work, that there are people who can help us, that there are couples who are like us. But you were sure that it's never going to work. I didn't back down and still tried to convince you, and for a while, you also tried to convince yourself. We had our good days and I cherished all of them. But recently, it's the bad days that slowly broke us, both as a couple and as individuals. And I felt us drifting away.

I tried to shrug it off because I wanted to fight for you, for us. Every day, I felt like I was trying to prove something. I always had my best foot forward, trying to satisfy all your needs, being the best partner you could ever have. It was exhausting. There were days when I just wanted to be alone and break down but I told myself that you can't see me being vulnerable. That might turn you off and have your second thoughts again. So I just swept it under the rug and put on mask after mask after mask just to show you that I can be strong for us.

But now, as you were done packing, I felt everything crumble. All the masks I wore were being peeled away one by one, dissolved by the tears that were continuously falling. I lost the will to fight. And not because I ran out of strength, but because I saw and I felt that no matter how hard I fight, I will never win. No one wins here.

You closed the luggage and started getting your backpack, filling it up with all the other stuff you have in the house. You glanced at me from time to time and from where I sat, I felt ice cold knives piercing through the silence and stabbing my weak heart. I ran out of tears to cry and now I'm just staring at the floor with a clogged nose and a heavy chest.

When you were done, you took all your stuff and slowly walked out of the room. A part of me wanted to run after you and beg you to stay and convince you all over again that we can make it work. But a bigger part of me just didn't want to move. I wanted to soak it in - that you were the one who walked away, you were the one who gave up, you were the one who didn't try harder. So I just sat there. You rolled your luggage down the hall and I heard the door close behind you.

Immediately, I felt the room got smaller and emptier. I looked around and there was no more sign of you. I stood up and sat on the bed, staring now at a half-empty drawer. This is it. After all the months of fighting and fighting, it still ended in defeat. I felt light-headed from all the crying so I laid down and closed my eyes. You will ge through this. You are a warrior at heart. I kept repeating this to myself as I slowly drifted off to sleep.