The Break-up Journey

Escape

He was staring out the window, thinking about tomorrow. What will the demons whisper. Where will the angels lead him to. Will my heart be as heavy as it is right now? Or will my brain outweight it and slap some sense out of it? It's all a blur now and as he caresses the rope beside him, the roughness of its fibers, the thickness of it, it gets clearer and clearer.

The rope seemed to give so much comfort, so much serenity. Whenever he thought about how it's going to end all the pain and the questions and the misery, how it's going to save him from all the guilt - it just seemed so easy. And eventually, someday, he will be forgiven.

It has been days since he thought about it. Months even. But the past weeks leading to this day, he just couldn't take it anymore. Whenever he tries to pick up the pieces, they get shattered again into a million other pieces. It became more and more difficult to put them back together and he reached a point where he just wants to let them go, let the rain wash them away. He's not the kind of person who gives up but like what he always tells his friends, people can change.

When he looks back and think about how life has changed him so much, he can't imagine how different he is right now. How broken and patched up his soul is, how many masks he has worn to face life's endless punches, how he has become his own nightmares. He still manages to put up a joyful facade, and doing a good job on it actually. But then he comes home, tucks himself in bed, and then he silently breaks down.

It's an escape, he knows. This rope is the ultimate escape. It's another selfish thing to do - mental note to put it in his list of selfish acts. He's been trying so hard. That's what frustrates him. It's not that he didn't even try to rise up. He fucking tried his best. But every time, something or someone pulls him down and he sinks lower and lower. His life has been a quicksand and now all he wants is to stay still and fully succumb to it.

He stood up, the rope in his right hand and the letter on his left, went to the basement and prepared everything. He's been carefully planning this - the time (when everyone's out doing their thing), the location (where no one really visited), the manner (ok, not the most painless but can be quick, he thinks). He had a goal and he will achieve it today.

As he was getting up the stool and putting the end of the rope around his neck, he saw a photograph in one of the boxes. He was curious so he took it and sat down on the stool. It was his 10-year old self hugging his parents and they were laughing by the seashore. He remembered that day. His 10th birthday. The only time he actually celebrated his birthday. He just wanted to be alone but his parents took him to the beach (his favorite hangout spot) and prepared a simple picnic. He remembered how happy he was. In that moment, he was contented.

He fell his heart swell. He started crying. Bawling. It was overwhelming. He wanted to be 10 years old again, when life wasn't as complicated and he had his parents to lean on to. All the emotions rushed in and he couldn't stop the tears, gasping for more air, trying not to make so much noise. He was trembling.

When the wave subsided, he stood up and stared at the rope. Then the stool. Then the picture. He took a deep breath and untied the rope, went back to his room and put it back under his pillow. "Maybe not today. Happy birthday," he whispered to himself. He went to bed, clutching the picture near his heart and cried himself to sleep.

Don't punish yourself for this. You already knew this was coming. I know it's still hard to accept but you know that it's also a right decision. Just go through the sadness, pick yourself up and move on.